


The Grace of Kings

by hoopshoney



Series: The Grace of Kings [1]
Category: Black Panther (2018)
Genre: F/M, Non-Canon Relationship, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14116866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoopshoney/pseuds/hoopshoney
Summary: It was just supposed to be a friends with benefits situation.Instead, Asha's falling for a man she suspects isn't capable of loving her back.(This takes place before Black Panther)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This starts off slow but it’ll pick up soon. I’m trying to focus on world building in my writing so lets hope that conveys that. Review and let me know if I should continue, I haven’t written fanfiction in awhile. Also this definitely takes place before Black Panther, probably years ahead though I haven’t planned out the timeline. Also I have chapters posted ahead on hoopshoney.tumblr.com

Asha woke with a groan, the light from her curtain-less window peaking through and ruining what was a perfectly good lie in. 

And the sleep was absolutely necessary. 

After having been thoroughly licked, bit, and dicked down last night, all she wanted was some rest. But her procrastination in buying curtains would obviously keep her from that. Resigning herself to wakefulness, she stretched wide, her whole body pulling taut as she yawned. Using her momentum she rolled to the other side of the bed. Finding it empty was no surprise and she was okay with it being that way. 

Used to being in relationship after relationship with guys who were quick to say “I love you” while she cringed and tried to change the subject, she was trying something new and it was working for her. 

Erik Stevens did not follow the pattern of her usual guys. He wasn’t needy and touchy. He didn’t feel the need to blurt out his emotions two months into what could barely be called a relationship. He didn’t judge her for NOT wanting to blurt out hers. And most importantly he had given her the best sex of her life every time they were together. 

Abandoning her loosely wrapped scarf to the deep abyss that was her comforter, she stood, grabbing the hoodie tossed across the foot of her bed before making her way into her kitchen.

Like her bedroom, her kitchen and living room were clearly uninhabited. There was no evidence of the previous night, no sign of where he had pressed her against her front door dragging her shirt up and over her head and tossing it to land on her couch. No sign of how he had lifted her onto her entry way table, sliding her panties off from underneath her skirt and tossing them over his shoulder. No sign of the struggle that ensued and the laughter that had spilled out when she couldn’t get his belt off, tugging so hard she had knocked her catch-all-bowl full of change and other knickknacks over her faux hardwood floors. His clothes were gone and hers were neatly folded and placed on her couch, like they always were when he left. Neat and unobtrusive.

He really was the perfect fuck buddy for her. 

At 26 it wasn’t that she didn't want a relationship, it was just that nobody wanted the relationship she was willing to give them. Knee deep in graduate school at the peak of her dating life, all boys wanted more time than she was willing to give. Being in graduate school to get her doctorate degree had made her realize that most men felt if you couldn’t text them back withing the hour–no, the minute that they texted you, obviously you didn’t care. Clearly ridiculous, but enough for her to realize that at the moment she did care more about attending academic lectures than ‘Netflix and chillin’ with the latest dude who saw her as his future “wifey”.

Luckily, Erik understood that, she mused, filling up a glass with water to hydrate from last night’s activities. He wasn’t her usual type of guy but going out on a limb was turning out to be worth it. So so sooooo god damn worth it, she thought. The fact that they met at the SAME place she usually met her old crusty ass hookups at was just ironic.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

two months ago. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she felt so nervous and relieved. 

Attending the National Africana Studies Conference was something she did every year, but now here she was, and for the first time not just attending. Among one of the few graduate students presenting their research, she was honored but nervous to be presenting alongside some of the most famous researchers in her field. A graduate student in sociology and Africana studies, this speech was a culmination of 4 years worth of work that would ultimately help her get her doctorate degree. And she had did it! Now she only had to make it through the question and answer portion, she reminded herself, taking a sip of water with slightly shaking hands. 

Knowing that researchers studying race, were generally questioned rigorously, she was happy that the questions from the audience were those that she was well prepared for and even some she had planned to address later on. With only a few minutes remaining in her presentation time and no other hands raising, she was gratefully handing the microphone over to the moderator her body already relaxing.

“Why should we trust what you say?”, she heard from the back of the room. Grasping the mic back, she turned back to the audience, trying to find the voice in the crowd. 

“I’m not sure what you mean, can you elaborate?”, she asked, still searching.

That was when she spotted him. In hindsight, she’s unsure how she missed him in the first place, he very clearly stood out from the rest of the people in the room. Dressed in dark jeans with rips that were somehow tight and loose at the same time, a plain white thermal that managed to look expensive despite its simplicity, and more gold jewelry than any other man in the room, he stood out among the sea of professional suits and appropriate knee length skirts. He clearly didn’t fit into the vibe of the conference, yet he asked his question like he was the most important person in his room. She would later find out that Erik always thought he was the most important person in the room, a fault she would later willful ignore because he was so good with his hands.

“You presenting this research on Black people,right? As if your viewpoint is objective. Everything you research is colored by a colonizers frame even though you Black.” his voice started out low but strong enough for everyone to hear, slowly becoming more intense as he continued, “You were educated in their schools, taught to think like them, thought to view your own people and yourself from their viewpoint. Unless you completely reject the system you’ve bought into, all this is bullshit." 

She was stunned by how passionately he seemed to feel by this and even more by the fact that he seemed to capture the feelings that she occasionally felt from within her predominantly white school, learning from white professors. 

"I–,” she started, fully willing to address the weaknesses of being a Black academic within a White system.

“Unfortunately that’s all the time we have left for questions,” the moderater interrupts, “ we have to begin setting up for the next session. Once again thank you to our presenters and please begin exiting to the rear.”

Asha started grabbing her notes from the podium, trying to move quickly so she could catch up to the man who asked the last question. She soon realized it was futile as she was quickly waylaid by the many people hoping to ask her questions, give her business cards, and congratulate her on her work. Normally, the networking after the presentation was her favorite part. She was a midlevel extrovert who enjoyed meeting new people but all she wanted to do now was catch up with the man who so clearly didn’t belong.

Finishing up her conversation with a professor who had a few constructive comments on her presentation style, she breathed a sigh of relief realizing she could still see him at the back of the room though he looked close to leaving. 

Politely excusing herself from the conversation that was winding down, she grabbed her bag and began to make her way towards him hoping she could catch him in time. Walking quick was hard in her restricting skirt and low heels but she was so close. 

“Excuse me-, she called lowly, seeing his head turn towards her before her view of him was blocked by another body.

"Asha, hey, its been a while.”

Shit, she thought, looking up and into the face of a person she didn’t want to see. 

“Hey Damien, how are you?” trying not to let her impatience shine through, she looked up into the eyes of her ex. If you could even call him that after a couple of dates, two bouts of sex, and a texting chain in which the messages he sent her largely went unnoticed.

“I’m doing good. I mean obviously not as good as you but damn I always knew you were gonna be a star.”

“Thanks so much Damien, that really means a lot. If you’ll excuse me I just need to–” she started, beginning to step around his body.

“I haven’t heard from you in minute, we should really catch up. With the way you’re moving up in the world and my internship at Stevens, Nezlneck, and Lowe we could be the next Black power couple,” he chuckled at the end, moving his hands to grasp her elbows. 

That was the problem with Damien. He was handsome, very classic Black professional with his low fade and clean shaven face. But he was also obsessed with their relationship giving them status. He didn’t care about what she was actually doing, as long as the Ph.D. behind her name could be added to the J.D. behind his name, he was fine. There were even times when he expected her to attend events with him and schmooze the White folks at his firm, keep in mind they had only been on a few dates at this point. This had led to her deciding they were probably best not dating,as she wasn’t ready to be his intelligent arm candy, though he hadn’t seen to have gotten that memo. 

Sighing Asha, prepared herself to let him down, once again. Though she would prefer to not do this in public, her previous tactics of letting him down easy, ignoring his texts, and even going so far as to only wave when they saw each other wasn’t working. Looking behind him once more, she saw that her intended target was gone only adding to her frustration.

“Look, Damien–," 

"I got reservations at Poke House, I know its your favorite. We can catch up and then go back to my hotel, the firm got me a suite with a hot tub that I can’t wait to enjoy with you,” this was all said as he moved closer his hands still firm on her elbows. 

She had tried to be patient but it was time to let her frustration out. Not only had he interrupted her, TWICE, but his hands were on her body like they belonged there. And she couldn’t remember how many time she had to tell that she absolutely HATED that Poke place. Take the girl out of the hood all you want, but she would NOT eat raw fish!

“Alright Damien, I’m gonna spell this out for you because clearly you are too self absorbed to pick up the hints I keep dropping. We are not together. You are not my nigga,” she spoke lowly so that only they could hear, unwilling to risk her reputation for this asshole.

“I am not trying to play out some Barack and Michelle, Oprah and Stedman, Gabriel Union and Dwayne Wade fantasy with you! We went out a few time and when I realized that you liked my credentials more than me we broke it off. If you INSIST on continuing with these shenanigans, yes shenanigans” she says heatedly, her hand coming up to cut off whatever he was about to say, “ I will call every hood cousin I know to make sure you NEVER invite me to your White man paid hotel suite again.”

She ended her last point with a huff, deciding now would be a good time to leave. 

“Now put on a smile, shake my hand, and lets go our separate ways cause I am not trying to embarrass myself in front of these White people." 

Doing just that, Asha, continued forward and headed outside, resigned to just calling a Uber to head home, acknowledging that her attempts of talking with her mystery man were now gone. 

"Damn, baby girl, you out here breaking hearts casually, huh?" 

Quickly whipping her head around, she saw him leaning against a column like it was the only thing holding him up.

"I mean I guess the tight little skirt and pencil heels were deceiving. I would have thought that Morris Chestnut looking dude would be just yo thing.” He looked her up and down slowly his eyes lingering on her most prominent body parts, stating his opinion like it was fact. 

Laughing, she returned the favor, lingering on his ripped jeans, casual shirt, and the golds she could see glinting on his canines.

“Well I wouldn’t expect you to be asking questions at academic conferences so I guess you can’t judge a book, huh." 

Getting up from his leaning stance and walking closer to her she noticed how graceful he was. It felt weird to describe a man as built as him as "graceful” but the way he moved was so fluid and strong it was the only way she could describe it. 

“Yeah well you might be right about that. You know you never did answer my question” he said once he was standing in front of her, the tips of his Jordans touching the tips of her reasonably priced kitten heels. She was stuck looking down, her analytic mind already noting the contrast and thinking of how the difference probably described them perfectly.

His hand reached out, lifting her chin with one finger till her eyes met his. “Get a drink with me,” his statement clearly a demand and not a question. 

“Yeah..yeah,okay” she nodded seeing a flash of gold as a small smirk crossed his face. That smirk would get her into plenty of situations later on, both good and bad, but how was she to know that.


	2. Part 2

They had spent a small portion of their time together talking in a bar near her apartment. He didn’t talk much, preferring to listen to her ramble about her research and other topics only chiming in occasionally. She hated silences, while he seemed comfortable in them, which led to her going on and on and him smirking at her non stop conversation. The conversation was only stopped when he firmly put his beer down, reached across the table between them to set down her vodka cranberry and asked how far her place was from here. 

Moving to her bathroom, she began brushing her teeth,her thoughts moving away from and Erik and refocusing on the things she needed to do today. Email her advisor, take a quick trip to the grocery store, take out the recycling. Walking back in her room she glanced at the sex rumpled bed, washing her sheets was definitely on the list. 

Back in the bathroom, she jumped in the shower, the sound of Destiny’s Child blasting from her speaker, Beyonce’s voice ringing with questions about ’“Bills, Bills, Bills”.

Freshly showered with her long curly hair wrapped in a towel, she walks in the living room, sitting on her couch fully prepared to ignore all the errands on the mental list she had just devised. 

“ASH! OPEN THE DOOR! I LOST MY KEY!” a loud banging at the front door accompanying the demand. 

“Ya know, ” Asha sighs, getting up to open the door, “ that key isn’t yours. I gave it to you in case of emergencies, so you losing it really defeats the purpose.”

Trying to catch the eye of her best friend, she completely fails instead only witnessing her leggy companion passing her to flop on the section of the couch Asha was previously occupying.

“Yean,well you never have emergencies so at least I’m giving it some use.” Asha didn’t see that as a bad thing, but Rashida would take her lack of emergencies as a lack of excitement. 

“Girl, what are you even doing here? I didn’t even know you could wake before twelve on the weekends” pushing Ra over to make room on the couch, Asha sits down next to her. 

Tall to her own short, high yellow to her own medium brown, a straight bob opposite Asha’s long wild curls, the two girls were completely opposite but had been best friends since undergrad. Where Asha loved school and learning so much she decided to go to grad school, Ra was just focused on getting out of undergrad and to a stable job. While both of them were extroverted, Asha’s extroversion made her want to be friends with everyone, Ra’s extroversion made her want to be the life of the party and the center of attention. 

Despite the fact that they had few noticeable things in common they managed to make their friendship work based on the little things they shared. Like their mutual love for Brendan Fraiser, a complete abhorrence to the taste of wine (despite everyone saying “it gets better the more you drink it”), oh and a complete love of the trash television show that is Bad Girls Club. Which is why as unusual as it was to see Ra at her apartment at 10 am on a Saturday, Asha let her in and let her take most of the room on her couch. 

“I need a favor ” Ra’s puppy dog eyes came out with statement. 

“No, no, nope!” shaking her head Asha refused to cave, “ The last time I did a favor for you I got stuck on a double date with MELVIN who had a foot kink that I was NOT down for.”

“Okay, that was one time! And to be fair, Tre didn’t tell me his friend was freaky like that,” with a laugh she added on, “And I still got laid at the end so really it worked our for both of us. I got dicked down and you got a free meal. Win-win!”

“God, you are so trash!” Asha gets out between laughing at her best friend’s summarizing of the situation.

“ I know! But I’m also FIENING for physical contact with the male species so please agree to go with me to JB’s party tonight. Jamea was gonna come but like one of her kids got sick or something.”

“Jamea got kids?!” Asha asks surprise evident in her voice.

“Damn bitch stay focused! That’s besides the point. But yes, its like a ton of drama that I’ll tell you all about over a delicious hungover brunch tomorrow IF you agree to go to the party with me.” Ra was practically begging at this point, coming to her knees on the couch and adopting prayer hands with her plea. 

“Ugh,” groaning Asha slid down lower into the couch, “you know I hate house parties and I’m like exhausted forreal.”

“Exhausted?! From what? You never do anything on Friday, you say its your "relaxing tim”–unless,“ a sly smile spreads across Ra’s face as she leans forward, "you fucked Malcom X again last night, didn’t you?!”

Placing a throw pillow over her face to cover her nonexistent blush, Asha groans,“ Oh my god, don’t call him that!”

“You did didn’t you!” Rashida hoots, “Here I am, complaining about my dry spell and you got consistent Coming to America dick coming in! I hope you know I hate you!”

Laughing out loud at her friend’s descriptions, Asha can’t help but gloat a little. I mean it’s no small feat to find a guy who gives consistent good sex, doesn’t overstay his welcome, and isn’t a murderer. 

“I’m aware that you hate me and let me tell you…it is sooooo worth it.!”

“Fuck!” Rashida lets out, tossing a pillow lightly at Asha’s face, “Now you’re definitely coming with me to the party.”  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yepp she definitely still hated house parties, Asha mused. It was hot, crowded and there was no way she was actually gonna drink the jungle juice she was handed in the kitchen. Not to mention the fact that house parties stressed her out like no other, people spilling drinks on the floors, dirtying furniture, ugh her inner mama was coming out and telling her to clean this mess. 

However, she couldn’t and wouldn’t leave. Ra was clearly in her element here and she would stay by her side till she got the signal that she was over it. She could see her in between the weaving bodies of the party goers, talking to a tall and extremely cute black guy that Asha didn’t recognize. 

Tuning back into her conversation she focused back on what Derek was saying. A friend of hers for years she only half listened to him ranting about the same subject she had heard before.

“All I’m saying is I’m tired of dating brothers who are on the down low. Like damn, I’m not trying to stay in and eat pizza every night,” he grits out, taking a sip of his mostly empty drink. 

“D, we’re talked about this before and you know what I’m gonna say–” she started her tone exasperated.

“I know, ‘date a different type of guy’. Its not my fault that I like them big and buff” he whined making Asha laugh. They had been through this conversation multiple times. Dark-skinned, lean, and pretty enough to be a model, Asha and Derek had grown up in the same neighborhood with all the same people. Once Derek came out, devastating most of the girls in the neighborhood, including Asha at some point, they had reaffirmed their friendship by fighting over the same guys. He usually won.

“I’m done with you. Like actually done.” Asha states setting her cup down on the nearest surface. “Now come with me to find something that isn’t some lethal combination of Hennessy and juice.

Grabbing Derek’s arm they make their way through the masses and into the kitchen, bypassing the grinding, smoking, and laughter everyone was engaging in. 

Finally making it through the crowd, Asha opens the fridge looking for a beer, not her favorite choice but hey at least it was sealed. 

"Yes Ash, please just go through these people’s house like you live here,” Derek says with a laugh. 

“Its a house party! I could probably walk out with the damn couch and nobody would care,” spotting a Miller light she grabs it, popping the top before hopping up to sit on the kitchen counter. 

They spend awhile talking in the kitchen, people joining and leaving their group as the time went by. An hour and a half later and she had retained her spot on the counter, though she been separated from Derek and was now in a conversation with a guy named Luca. 

“Yeah I don’t really sell. I’m more of a connections guy,” he said this with a slow drawl a bob of his head accompanying his statement. Luca was very clearly high but also very attractive, so she was willing to entertain his turtle pace conversation for a while. 

“Do you smoke?” he asks before quickly interjecting, “ I’m not asking to pressure you or anything. I’m just wondering.”

She smiled as his worry, it was sweet.

“It’s fine! I do occasionally, but usually when its someone else’s weed. I just can’t keep that shit in the house ya know. I’ll just end up smoking constantly,"pushing her hair out her face she looks up at him, searching for understanding.

"Yeah, no, I totally get that! It’s like once it’s there you HAVE to smoke it!”

“EXACTLY!”

Their conversation had moved on their favorite foods to eat when high when Rashida came pushing through the crowd in the kitchen and up to the counter. 

Slightly out of breathe, her tone was frantic, “Bitch. You will NEVER guess who’s here?!”

Curious as to who could cause this type of reaction in her usually 'too cool for school’ friend, Asha shrugs, jumping down from the counter to stand on her tip toes and look through the crowd. 

“Who?” she asks, not bothering to guess.

“Malcom x”, Ra says, her words slightly slurred.

“What?” her face blank of recognition, Asha wasn’t getting what her friend was saying.

“Erik! Hotep Erik! Baby dread head Erik! Dicked you down last night Erik!” Ra responds, her voice getting louder with each phrase. 

“Fuck Ra! I don’t need everyone and they mama to know” Asha whispers, covering her face before looking up again, “Are you playin’? I mean this isn’t really his scene? And does he even know JB?" 

"Bitch,” Ra says, grabbing her hand and dragging her to the entry way of the kitchen, leaving Derek behind, “does it look like I’m playing?”

Following Ra’s finger to the balcony visible from the kitchen Asha saw she was right. Dressed in light jeans, a black t-shirt with a flannel tied around his waist, his white Air Force ones practically shining in the night, was Erik.He was leaning with his back against the balcony railing legs crossed at the ankle and arms crossed at the chest. There was a girl standing in front of him, light skinned, pretty, her weave long and flowing, a burning blunt held between her fingers of one hand, a solo cup in the other. She was talking enthusiastically keeping up most of the conversation, only getting the occasional nod and few word answer from Eric when he deigned to look away from surveying the room of party goers.

“Huh,” it came from her mouth in a puff of air as she leaned against the door frame, observing for a second more before turning back to Ra. 

“That’s all you have to say, 'huh’,” Ra’s voice both indignant and mocking, “ I show you the dude who was literally INSIDE you–”

“Don’t be gross,” Ash says interrupting, with a grimace. 

Never stopping her tirade, Ra continues “–INSIDE you last night, is out on a balcony caking with some light skin chick and all you got is 'huh’. You clowin’!”

Asha thought caking was a little bit of a stretch. I mean they were just standing there talking. Here and Luca were just doing that and it was completely innocent. Tilting her head to the side, she observed them more closely. Okay, so maybe they were standing a little closer than necessary for just a chat BUT it was slightly chilly outside, body heat was basically a necessity. And sure, he had just grabbed her drink and took a sip of it but she drunk from Ra and Derek’s drink all the time. They could just be friends. Like her and Ra, or her and Derek, or her and…Erik. Fuck.

“Exactly! That’s the expression I was looking for, ” Ra exclaims, clapping her hands for emphasis as she sees Asha’s expression change. 

“We’re not together, it doesn’t really matter,” Asha says trying to play it off with a shrug, her eyes never leaving the couple in front of her. 

“Okay, but even if you aren’t, I would hope he wouldn’t be an asshole and tell you he was fucking someone else.”

“Right,” Asha says distracted, still staring at the soundless conversation playing out in front of her. It didn’t look flirtatious or even intimate per say, just intense. Or intense on the girl’s part, Erik’s face just always looked like that. Vaguely hearing Ra still ranting in her ear she continued looking at the couple, watching Erik nod a few times, looking down before looking up through the balcony doors…straight at her.


	3. Chapter 3

“Shit,” she said in her mind and out loud. If he was hooking up with this girl it would be awkward to be caught staring and if he wasn’t she’s the weirdo who was just staring at him for no reason. 

Their eyes were still connected, his narrowing a bit like he was trying to be sure it was her, one of her eyebrows lifted questioningly. He looked her up and down, eyes doing nothing to hide the fact that he was practically eye stripping her down to her birthday suit. Eyes connecting again she smirked at the look in his eye before turning back to Ra. 

Playing it cool was her specialty and knowing that she looked good tonight was just the icing on the cake. She was wearing skin tight black jeans tucked into the openings of laced black heeled boots, paired with a black tank top with thin straps that dipped very low in the back. Her hair had decided to cooperate, the curls will but still loose from her last braid out and settling on her shoulders. 

“Fuck. He definitely saw me. What’s he doing now?” Asha whispered frantically to Ra, her back now to the balcony door.

An expert at girl stealth mode, her friend pretended to be taking a sip or her drink, eyes flickering to the door as she did so. 

“He’s saying something..touching her arm, shit he’s coming inside and I think he’s coming over here.” All of this was said in a rush, Ra’s voice betraying the panic that her nonchalant facial expression was hiding. Asha didn’t know why she was panicking. Okay, she did know why and 90% of it had to do with being caught staring like the world’s creepiest fangirl. The other 10% could be attributed to the fact that their out of bedroom interactions were few and far between. 

“Annnnnnnd I gotta go” Ra says, a sheepish expression on her face as she whirls around and makes her way through the crowd despite Asha’s protests. 

Taking a deep breath, she takes a sip of her drink, planning to just act casual. Right as she feels the heat of his body against the skin of her back her savior was delivered in the form of Luca. 

“Hey I’m heading out, I’ll give you my number in case you wanna connect,” one arm pushing through the arm of his jacket, the other reaches for his phone. She feels Erik come up behind her, his chest to her back. 

“Yeah that sounds good,” she says calmly, ignoring the tall source of heat behind her and handing Luca her phone.Finally getting his other sleeve through his jacket, he looks up spotting Erik behind her. 

“Yo, whattup mane! You living good?” Luca says excitedly, reaching out to do that inherent dap that all Black boys know from birth. 

“I’m making it,” Erik’s deep voice echoes in her ears, his hand leaving Luca’s and wrapping around her waist, pulling her firm towards him, her ass snuggled perfectly against the crotch of his pants. She smiled internally, it was presumptious of him and definitely an Erik thing to do but she liked it. 

“Cool, Cool, cool. How much time till you go back?,” Luca says distractedly, digging through his pockets searching for his keys.

“Bout a week or two,” Erik says coolly, clearly done with the conversation, his arm that was wrapped around her waist coming up to wrap across her shoulders, her face near the crook of his elbow. Enjoying the embrace, she lifts her hands up grabbing his forearms, loving the strength she could feel in them. 

“Well, hit me up if you got time man. I’ll catch y'all later,” with a nod and a smile Luca heads out leaving Erik and Asha alone. 

“Friend of yours?” Asha says her tone curious, tilting her head back and to the side to get a look at his face. His golds were in ,of course, and she saw them glint with his small smirk. 

“You could say that” he replies tilting his head to look down at her. 

Laughing lightly she replies,“Mmhm, I didn’t think you were the type to admit they had friends.”

“People like to talk, it always looks like I’m listening”

“And do you?..actually listen?” Ash asks, leaning more of her weight on his body, knowing he could support her. 

“Depends on who’s talking,” he says, deep voice at a whisper Erik spins her around to face him, grabbing her waist to lightly push her against the door frame, his body following hers like they weren’t in the middle of a party. 

Lifting up on her tiptoes her lips close to his, she smiles before whispering,“ Wow that was mad corny.”

“Oh word,” lifting an eyebrow questioningly, Erik lifts his body off of hers, “since I’m corny I’ll just go–”

She grabs his shirt pulling him back before he can get too far,her fingers sliding in his belt loops so that their hips can connect, “ It’s okay, I liked it,” she says teasingly before his hand cups her cheek lifting her mouth up to his, connecting their lips in a real kiss. 

She resists at first, trying to remember they were in the middle of a party before folding her body into his and allowing him to take control. As the kiss gets deeper, she wraps her hands around his neck. Erik pulls her even closer, letting his finger graze the exposed skin on her lower back making her shiver. Their lips part momentarily, each needing to catch their breath, but he craves more. His lips found her chin and kiss a trail down her neck. Her pulse quickens as she slides her hands down his arms, feeling the raised circles she had kissed in the privacy of her bedroom yesterday. They almost forget that they were in a party in plain view of everyone until someone bumps into him from behind, pulling him back to reality and away from her body. 

Asha exhales, allowing some of the tension to exit her body as he takes a step back, allowing some space between them. 

“Shit,” Erik says shaking his head and wiping the gloss that had transferred from her lips to hers. She laughed, glancing around to notice that not a single person was paying attention to them, everyone too drunk, high, or busy making out to pay them any mind. 

Trying to refocus her lust scrambled mind, she pushes him back a step more before wondering aloud, “Ya know, I wouldn’t really expect this to be your type of scene.”

“Didn’t we already have this conversation about judging books, babygirl?” he remarks, reminding her of their first meeting. 

“Mmmhm I vaguely remember having a conversation like that” her playful tone assuring him she did. She looks around the room her gaze landing on a point around his shoulder. “ Or maybe you came here to see someone,” Asha says nodding her chin in the direction she was looking. She knew it was petty, but she was eager to see his reaction. 

Turning his head slightly, he looks over his shoulder, clocking the light skinned girl he was talking to earlier. “ Nah,” shaking his head dismissively and looking her in the eye, “only one girl I’m checking for right now.”

If it wasn’t for her dark skin, she was sure he’d see her blush, luckily only she could feel the heat in her cheeks and ears. She knows its cheesy, she knows she’s not the only girl he’s “checking” for,especially considering they were just fuck buddies, but she decides to just accept what he says in that moment.

Clocking her smile, he grabs her hand, leaning down to grab her hand, “Get outta here with me” his statement clearly a demand again and not a question, this situation feeling all too familiar to her. 

“Yeah..yeah,okay” she agrees, seeing a flash of gold as that familiar smirk crosses his face.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After checking in with Ra and Derek and making them promise to text her when they got home, Asha heads out with Erik, taking his car to her place. They’re mostly silent on the way to hers, preferring the intimacy of silence than filling the space with conversation. She looks over at him, watching him drive, just taking him in. He drives in that stereotypical guy way, his seat leaned far back, one hand gripping the wheel, the other gripping the gear shift. 

He was the embodiment of confident. From his hair to his golds, everything about his look was designed as a fuck you to people who would try to confine him. An nod to his history and his present manifested in both of those looks. His look was made to honor, though she hadn’t figured out what or who he was honoring yet, and to disarm. 

She hadn’t discussed it with him but if she had to guess he used his casual and trendy clothes to hide the fact that he had thoughts and secrets that went deeper than clothes and gold. She hadn’t uncovered what those thoughts and secrets were and to be honest she wasn’t sure if she wanted to. There was something about him that screamed “don’t get attached” and she was trying her damnedest to listen. 

Pulling up to her place, they got out taking the stairs up to her apartment and avoid the perpetually broken elevator. They weren’t touching, which she was sure was one of Erik’s tactics to keep her perpetually wanting. The tension was thick as she practically speed walks up the stairs, him following behind her at a sedate pace, a predator slowly stalking his prey. 

They barely made it in the door before he pounces, pulling her body against his. Their eyes met and she licked her lips as his hands roam across her ass. 

They didn’t start with light kisses and gradual brushes, instead he jumped right in passionately, in typical Erik fashion. He savored the taste of her chap stick on his tongue as he reached up to remove her shirt. Her hands crept up his chest, settling briefly on his shoulders before traveling down his cloth covered chest.

He held on to her waist as he pushes her towards her bedroom and her bed. Her hands moves downward to his zipper, unzipping and then massaging him through his boxer briefs, making him stiffen at the touch. As they ease onto the mattress, Erik unbuttons her pants, pulling them down and off, settling between her legs, running his fingertips along the insides of her thighs. Beneath him, Asha reaches behind her to unclasp her bra, her breasts pushing against her bra. Erik takes a second to enjoy the view before taking a handful of her left breast into his hand and teasing the exposed skin on the right with the tip of his tongue. She reacts, arching her back and gripping the sides of his t-shirt. "Take this off,“ Asha whispers.

He raises his head, temporarily stopping his ministrations, to raise his eyebrows at her. Erik wasn’t one to take orders and it looked like he wasn’t gonna start now. Grabbing his head and pulling it down to hers, she brushes her lips against his barely separating her voice barely a breathe, "Please.”

He deigns to listen to her and Asha’s eyes scan his bare chest and shoulders with admiration. Every time she sees his body its like the first time, part of his chest and arms decorated with raised skin, she can’t help but admire the tribalist markings on a guy from Oakland. “Damn." 

As he lays down he spreads her legs farther and presses his hardness against her. He runs his fingertips up her things again, this time caressing her wetness through her lace panties. He teases her for a moment before sliding two fingers inside of her. 

"Erik?,” she pants.

“Yeah?” he says never stopping the motions of his fingers. 

“Get a condom.” This command he listens to. 

Within seconds, he retrieves a condom from the pocket of his jeans, rolls it on and steadies himself to enter her. He eases in, savoring how her warm walls squeeze around him. Fuck, she was wet. He was sure she’d soak through to the mattress. “Gotdamn,” he says with a sigh, increasing the pace of his strokes. This shit is fucking amazing. Asha picks up on his rhythm, catching and returning each of his thrusts as he goes deeper. She felt like she would erupt at any second, Erik kissing her neck only making her wetter. She locks her legs around his waist, before placing her hands on his chest, motioning for him to roll over. 

Once she gets situated on top of him, Asha moves her hips in small circles. She clenches the sheets in her fists and her movements get more intense. She locks her eyes shut and attacks her bottom lip with her teeth; a surefire sign that she was turned on and trying to suppress a scream. Erik loved unlocking those screams. Realizing that she was close to the edge, Erik digs his fingertips into his hips and thrusts upward. 

When the moan she’d been fighting breaks loose, she contracts around him with a pace that feels like a manic heartbeat, causing him to finally let go, reaching his climax right before she collapses onto his chest.

They lay in silence, both panting and searching for full breaths. “Damn,"Asha says finding her breath. 

She saw his teeth gleaming for a second as he smiles, "I hope that’s a good "damn.”

Rolling over so he was no longer holding her waist, she rolls her eyes, “ I think the answer to that question is on your thighs.” Getting up from bed, not bothering to hide her nakedness she grabs the t-shirt he was wearing earlier before walking into the bathroom to pee and fix her post coital face. Wiping the mascara smudges from beneath her eyes , she calls to the bedroom, “What time is it?”

Walking into the bedroom, she sees him sitting up on the bed. Condom disposed of and jeans sitting low and unbuttoned on his hips. He was already prepping to leave. “Bout 3 something” he says looking up at her leaning in the doorway, his shirt hitting her about mid thigh but doing nothing to conceal her curves. Leaning back on his hands he looks her up and down, “You gon’ give me my shirt back?”

Walking towards him she laughs again before getting close enough to straddle his lap, his big hands coming up to cup her hips “Mmhm its comfy. Maybe I’ll keep it!” she teases.

His hands pulling him closer, but his face remains unreadable. This was the thing about Erik, you never knew what he was thinking till he said it aloud. “ Tempting, baby girl. But I gotta head out.” His words ringing with finality in her ears, he deposits her on the side of the bed standing to button his pants. 

Rolling her eyes at his brusque tone, she pulls his shirt up and off, grabbing her trusty hoody and putting it on. Watching Erik get dressed, is like a special form of cinema. His muscles moving, sinewy in strong even within such a simple task. Everything he did seemed to be done with a purpose, even getting dressed. He was graceful, regal even.

Finished getting dressed he puts one knee on the bed to lean close to her, one of his hands going up to catch her chin, “You gonna keep staring?” voice cocky, he knows he’s caught her, his lips hover above hers. 

Leaning up so that they’re lips are only a breath away she replies, sarcasm evident in her tone, “Tempting, baby boy. But you gotta head out.” Leaning away she smirks, happy to finally have one upped him

Standing up he smirks though it doesn’t stay on his face long, “Smartass. I’ll remember that. Lock the door when I leave.” Not even bothering to look over his shoulder he leaves, the faint slamming of the door and his scent in her sheets the only sign he had been there


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this is a bit of a filler part BUT the next part is all emotional and builds on their relationship so it’ll be worth it. I hope you guys like it, please review and reblog if you can! I love talking about my characters, plot, ideas, etc so message me about anything.
> 
> Also this has a little bit of drug use so if that’s not your thing don’t read.

Asha doesn’t see him again till almost a month later. She doesn’t mind though, he’ll be doing something for the navy and she’ll be able to get her school work done without distraction.

The night he shows up its about 12am, which isn’t abnormal. What is abnormal is that he shows up on game night out of all nights. Its not like when he made his way over he contacted her or anything. But if he had he would have known that his late night booty call was participating in her monthly game tournament with her friends…which just so happened to be at her house this month. 

She isn’t the one to hear the knock at her door. Sitting on the floor, arguing over the rules of Uno with Derek and her friend Carrie and sipping on a lethal house punch, she was way too distracted. It’s Ra who hears his bangs over the music and laughter. 

She’s still laughing at her friends foolishness when she opens the door to find Erik. 

“Well, well, well,” Ra leans against the doorframe, looking the tall man over. “If it isn’t the local booty call.”

Erik was not amused. He had just got back into town after a mission where he took more hits than he would like and now this. Resigning himself to the fact that he would not get his dick wet tonight he opens up his mouth to tell her he’s just gonna go.

Before he can even get that far, Ra grabs his hand pulling him, more like tugging and his big ass allowing it, into the apartment slamming the door behind him. 

Yelling over the noise she makes him follow her into the living room “Asha, I didn’t know you invited entertainment! Disappointing. I didn’t bring any bills!”

Turning around to see what Ra was talking about, she spots Erik in the entrance to her living room. He doesn’t look uncomfortable. He makes everyplace he’s in look like he belongs there. No. Like he OWNS the damn room. She can see him looking around, clocking the bottles of alcohol and wine scattered around various surfaces. Her friends all in comfy clothes, her in a matching velvet short and tank set that made her feel extra but cute. Not to mention the blunt currently burning itself down in her hand. 

She didn’t know what to say. Other than the party and the day they met, her and Erik didn’t really interact with each other around other people. After surveying the scene, something she noticed he did when he walked into every room, his eyes landed on her. His patented smirk on his face as he notices her clearly high face.

Unsure of what to do amidst the defining silence of her petty and dramatic friends, the weed making her mind cloudy, she does the only thing she can think of. Holding up the blunt in his direction, while coughing up the smoke in her lungs, she hoarsely asks, “smoke?”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was two hours later and no one was more surprised than Asha that Erik was still at her apartment. He had taken the blunt from her and sat in the armchair directly behind her spot on the floor. He smoked in silence most of the night, passing it when needed, not really joining in the games they were playing, as he occasionally answered the nonstop texts his phone was getting. As the night went on, game night got more heated, before eventually delving into a free for all of trivial pursuit questions. They were all too intoxicated to follow the rules, so Derek was just picking cards at random to ask the group as a whole. It was a mess. 

“Okay! Okay! Okay! This is a hard one!” Derek’s slurred voice is loud over the side talking in the room, “What was the name of the Italian cruise ship hijacked by Palestinian terrorists in October 1985?

"New question!” Ra screamed, it was soon becoming her favorite phrase of the night, “ nobody knows the answer to that.”

Never looking up from rolling a new blunt on a very expensive women and gender studies book of hers, Erik speaks, “Achille Lauro.”

The conversation in the room stops because of Erik for the second time of the night. The only sound to be heard is the vibrations of his phone that she can hear in his pocket, though he elects to ignore the call. Twisting around from her spot at his feet to look up at him in shock, he brings the blunt to his lips sealing it closed with a lick of his tongue. Deciding to ignore the action that was ridiculously sexy and bound to distract her, she asks in disbelief, “How do you know that?”

His answer is a shrug as he lights the blunt, taking a hit before passing it to her. 

“Ooohokay well obviously that doesn’t count. He’s in the Navy, he probably knows everything about ships,” her friend Laura states, her competitiveness coming out, “that doesn’t count.”

Rolling her eyes, Asha pops a pretzel in her mouth. “We’re not even keeping score. There aren’t even teams.”

“Still doesn’t count.”

“Moving on,” Derek says, taking his role as question asker very seriously, “Which writer said, ‘where large sums of money are involved, it is advisable to trust nobody.”

“Charles Bukowski! No, Joan Didion! Dammit its on the tip of my tongue.”

Laura was the only one guessing, Rashida and Selena had taken to looking for the perfect Instagram filters, Michael was sifting through the Chex mix for the light Chex which he insisted were better than the dark ones and Carrie was drifting asleep on the corner of the couch, her head leaning too far every couple of seconds and jerking her awake.

Erik was entertaining his self by touching random parts of her, though it was innocent enough. His fingers were now carting through her curls, showing her a causal affection she was unused to from him,one that she was attributing to him being high, he answers, “Agatha Christie”

There’s silence again. 

“That’s correct!"Derek says doing a little dance, his excitement over someone beating Laura, the undisputed queen of trivial pursuit in their group, showing through. 

Snatching the cards out of Derek’s hand, she pouts, "You’re giving him the easy ones”. Sorting through the cards she pulls them out, completely ignoring the fact that nobody, especially Erik, is taking this as serious as she is. Finding a card she find sufficiently hard she holds it up reading, “What device was invented in the 17th century by Anton Van Leeuwenhoek?” Laura’s voice is smug, she’s sure victory is within her grasp.

Running his hand through her hair, lightly fisting it and tugging gently so Asha looks up at him, he replies, “The microscope.”

Always dramatic, Laura lets the cards fall out of her hands, “This is bullsh–”

“Okay”, Ra says clapping to get Laura’s attention and grabbing her arm to pull her to her side of the couch, “more importantly you should be helping me pick out an Instagram caption." 

As the group distracts Laura with questions about the best Instagram captions, Asha turns to Erik leaning her head back against his knee so she can look up at him. "How do you know all that?”

“I read. ” his face is straight but his tone lets her know he’s teasing. 

“Ha, ha,” her sarcasm very clear, as she lightly taps his leg, “ I’m serious”

“I went to college. Read alot of shit. Even shit I didn’t want to.” he answers, leaning back in the chair as if he’s trying to physically distance his self from this conversation.

“I didn’t know that,” she says, the shock evident in her tone, as she comes up to her knees in front of him, her hands landing on his thighs,it makes sense to her though, Erik trying to soak up as much information as possible so no one can say he doesn’t know shit “Where did you go?”

“Doesn’t matter,” his brusque tone telling her to end the conversations. Unfortunately for him, her high mind isn’t good at picking up social cues. 

“Seriously, tell me,” she insists, her tone light and teasing. 

“MIT”

“Come on, Erik. Just tell me,” she insists, brushing past his answer. 

“I just did.” His face doesn’t betray any sign of a lie, though she’s not sure it would even if he was lying. He’s telling the truth. Erik her fuck buddy, the one who barely will have a conversation with her, went to MIT. Fuck.

“Fuck.” she says aloud, echoing the sentiment in her mind, quickly backtracking, “ I didn’t think you were dumb or anything. That was not meant to be insulting. I just don’t think I’ve ever dated someone smarter than me” a perplexed look crosses her face. “I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

For the first time all night she hears Erik laugh out loud. A real laugh. One she’s not sure how to interpret. Its beautiful. Loud, booming, and filling the space of the room. And his smile, God his smile. It should be illegal for a man to have a smile that pretty. He had the type of smile that made you smile with him. 

“Don’t laugh at me,” she says not being able to resist laughing along with him. 

Pulling her up and into his lap, her legs landing sideways against the armrest of the chair, his laughter calms down, “Damn girl, always used to being the smartest person in the room, huh?”

“Mmmhm,” Asha puts one hand to her chin like she’s really deep in thought, “ I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mean we don’t really spend much time talking anyways.”

Pulling her closer, so her ass is directly snuggled into his crotch he replies, “Good point.”

Feeling his hard on against her ass pulls her back into the moment, and the realization that her friends are still drunk in her apartment. Looking back at Erik he catches her eye tilting his head towards the bedroom as he stealthily slides one hand up her exposed thigh. 

Lifting her hands up and above her head in an exaggerated yawn, Asha looks over at her friends, “ I’m feeling tired. Aren’t you guys tired? I think I might head to bed soon." 

Looking over and catching the position her friend is in, a devious smile appears on Ra’s face. "Yeah I’m tired too,” Asha exhales looking relieved, “maybe we should all stay the night." 

Cutting her eyes towards her friend, or soon to be former friend, she gets out between gritted teeth, "I don’t think i have enough blankets.” Her eyes widen as they lock on Rashida’s, trying to convey to her friend that she is fully willing to fight her in this moment. Meanwhile, Erik’s hand has never left her thigh and his other hand has made his way to the small of her back, tracing patterns into her skin,not phased by Ra’s schemes. 

Laughing out loud but deciding to give in to her friend, Ra starts to round up her friends, “Come on, guys, I’ll drive us home.” Halfway out the door with her drunken group of friends, Asha following her to the door to lock it behind her, she says loudly, “I guess its a good thing I stayed sober so you can get LAID TONIGHT!”

“GOODBYE RASHIDA,” Asha’s speaks loudly, her voice overlapping with Ra’s before she shuts the door. 

Turning back to the living room, she see Erik walking towards her with a clear purpose. Pushing her up against the door, his hands grip the back of her thighs, he lifts her in the air to wrap her legs around his waist. 

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leans up to whisper in his ear, “ Show me what that mouth do…besides answering trivia questions, ” her statement ending on a laugh. 

“Oh you got jokes,” carrying her through the hallway into the bedroom, he hitches her higher on his body so she feels him hard and ready at the junction of her thighs. 

“Always,” she says, the word ending on a moan as he lays her on the bed, going down her body to prove his mouth does do more than answer trivia questions.


	5. Chapter 5

After game night, their relationship changes only slightly. They still only see each other sporadically, and usually only when it was a booty call but sometimes, only sometimes, in those moments before there would be something more. 

There were a few times that really stuck out, showing the small but subtle change in their relationship.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was the time when he shows up to her apartment, his signature hard knock letting her know it was him. Opening the door, she looks him up in down, his jeans form fitting, his short sleeve shirt a nod to the warm weather. 

“Nice socks,” he says smirking as he looks her up and down reminding her of her current outfit. A giant football sweater that had belonged to one of her many cousins, no pants, and the fuzzy reindeer socks she had gotten for Christmas pulled up to her knees. Her hair was up in a curly messy bun, the weight of it making it droop to one side. Not to mention the fact that she was wearing her glasses, wire framed and round, they were her saviors when her contacts were just not an option.

“Fuck,” Asha says betraying her shock, leading him to the kitchen where she had been, her laptop sitting on her kitchen island, papers scattered haphazardly around, “I totally forgot I said you could come over. I have this paper due tomorrow and I’ve been trying to finish up this conclusion.” She stops herself before she goes into a full blown rant letting out a sigh before speaking again, “I don’t think I’ll be done with this tonight. Sorry." 

Reaching up to her hair, he plucks a popcorn kernel from her hair, a relic of her work snacking, before shrugging and walking to her fridge. Opening it and grabbing a beer he turns back around, his back leaning against her fridge as he drinks. 

"Erik!,” she says emphatically, “did you not hear me? I have to get this finished tonight–” Taking a seat at the lone stool, she picks up her pen hoping for once in his life he’ll listen to her.

Interrupting what is sure to be a rant from her, “ What’s the paper about?”

Staring at him in shock, she answers him slowly, not sure how he could help, “I’m trying to find a theory that explains why some knowledge is marginalized…without using Gramesci.”

“Use Giddens’s theory of structuration,” he says matter of facty searching through her cabinets, “You got chips or somethin’?” She had stopped what she was doing to stare at him. She knows Erik is smart, had known since she met him, confirmed it on game night, and yet the overall knowledge he seemed to possessed was just crazy to her. Here she was knee deep in sources and articles and he was pulling critical race scholars names out of thin air two minutes after walking through her door. He seemed to enjoy shocking her. Asha told him as much. 

“Nah, you just used to dumb niggas” Erik says giving up his search for food and heading towards the door, “I’ll be ‘round tomorrow”. The door closes softly behind him, hiding the soft smile that had appeared on her face.  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was also the time he kinda saved her in the auto parts store. She needed a new air filter in her car and instead of taking it to the shop and being stared at by every man in a five mile radius she decided to do it herself. 

What she didn’t realize was that being at the autoparts store was like being at the shop lite. Not as many dudes to stare but they were still there, hiding their predatory intentions behind expressions of help. 

“What you looking for, ma?” the third sketchy dude to walk up to her wasn’t giving up easy. 

“Just getting an air filter,” Replying through gritted teeth, Asha was trying to remain polite despite her frustrations. All she wanted to do was get an air filter, she had researched, watched YouTube videos and everything so she could do this herself. But she had forgotten what brand of air filter she was supposed to get, her blank stare at the wall of products must have seemed like an invitation to all the thirsty dudes in there. 

“ You ain’t got a man to do that for you,” sketchy dude number #3 asks. 

“I can do it myself,” the smile on her face more of a grimace at that point, she grabs a air filter at random, starting to walk to the front of the store. The abuse doesn’t end there as at least three more guys try to holla at her, give her advice, and eye fuck her before she can even get out the store. 

In the parking lot, she breathes a sigh of relief lifting up the hood of her car before realizing she got the wrong fucking filter. Taking a deep breath, she tilts her head so she’s looking up at the sky, don’t cry,Asha. Crying is dumb. She just wanted to get a fucking air filter, not get a fucking mental train ran on her by every dude in the store. Fuck. She didn’t want to go back in there. It had been a long fucking day and she just wanted to do this one thing. Why were men so TERRIBLE?

Caving, she looks down at her phone making a decision. 

Ten minutes later, he pulls up to the store, parking his car next to hers before getting out and knocking on the window, his mouth set in a tight line. 

She steps out of her car, embarrased that she would have to call him, but too tired to deal with the assholes inside. 

“What kinda filter you need?” Erik asks, his voice hard eyes shining with annoyance. She tells him the brand, grabbing his arm before he walks away, “I’m sorry,” she starts, mistakingly thinking the annoyance in his eyes was directed at her,“ I shouldn’t have called y–.”

“It’s fine,” he says lifting a hand to cut off her apology, “These niggas acting like fucking savages,” he offers before walking off into the store. 

She leans against the car, watching him walk off into the store, coming back less than five minutes later handing her the air filter. 

“Don’t come back to this store no more,” his tone commanding. She nods, not bothering to argue over his tone. “You want me to do it,” he asks pointing to the air filter. 

“No, I want to do it myself, ” She says, trying to salvage some of her independence from this interaction.She expects him to protest doing like most men and just take over to get it done quickly. Instead he nods leaning against the car, watching the parking lot like he’s looking for threats, only offering advice when she asks.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Those moments made her think there was more to what was happening on the surface between them. But Asha wasn’t stupid. She didn’t ask for more than he was willing to give. Because she wasn’t sure she was ready to give it her all either. Wasn’t sure she was ready to unlock those secrets that lurked behind his eyes. 

But there were times. Times when she got a glimpse, when their interactions weren’t those of a booty call most times and a friend only occasionally. 

Those were the times when he would show up with fresh bumps. Sometimes bruises.cuts.scars. It was terrible but those were the time she felt closest to him. Those time when he would just show up. He wouldn’t talk, just walk in and take Asha roughly like he was trying to use her skin to cover whatever hell was lingering on his. Just pulling her tight against him like he could forget within the curve of her body. 

Maybe, just maybe he could sink so deep inside of her on this night that he wouldn’t be able to pull himself out. If he tried hard enough, pressed hard enough, linked their bodies so intricately, the other reasons behind those scars pressed on his chest would dissipate and would instead represent every thrust inside of her. 

Ten, Twenty, Thirty,Forty marks. Not representing some hell she didn’t recognize but the amount of times he’s sank into her. 

Those were the nights he used her. And instead of feeling dirty about the fact that Erik didn’t even say hey when he walked in the door of her house, Asha feels relieved because it gives her permission to use him,too. Use his attention like it was the sun that she hadn’t seen in so long, shut up in the metaphorical winter of the white world who didn’t see her as beautiful as he did. 

Erik wanting her so badly and holding her so tightly that it seemed like he could replace those days when she went out to bars with white colleagues only to be ignored by every white male in the vicinity. Asha used him to remind her that she was beautiful, of course her friends told her all the time, but there was something about a man, this man, holding her like she was the only thing beautiful to him in this world that filled her with an otherworldy energy.

She remembers reading an article about people in places like Alaska where it would be so dark and cold in some seasons that they would use lamps designed to mimic the sun and combat the depression that manifests when a person goes without the rays of the sun for too long. He was her lamp, her artificial sun in these moments where she felt her lowest. And it was artificial. 

Erik never stayed the night and Asha never asked him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but one of my FAVORITES to write. Let me know what's your favorite part and if any of the things stuck out as particularly meaningful to you.


	6. Chapter 6

A month had passed and Erik and Asha were comfortable with their routine. He left frequently for work, though so sporadically she questioned whether what he was actually doing Navy Seal work. When he would show up they would hook up, giving her a chance to relax from school and him a chance to blow off steam. Asha wouldn’t have expected to be in a firmly established friends with benefits relationship for four months, but she was happy with it.

“So is he yo nigga or not?,” Ra questions, side eyeing Asha from across the table at the local diner.

“Definitely not,” Asha says with a laugh, stealing a fry from Ra’s plate.

Smacking Asha’s hand away from her plate, “So then WHY can’t you go on a date with Juan?!”

“I don’t know,” throwing her hands up in exasperation, “ I just don’t feel like I need to be in a relationship.”

Putting her head in her hands Rashida groans, “You only think that because Erik is ALWAYS there!”

“He’s not always—” Asha starts.

“–okay clearly I’m exaggerating. But seriously you aren’t checking for anyone else because he’s there. Like at some point either the relationship becomes something real or you move. the .fuck. on. You can’t be fuck buddies for the next thirty years.”

Rolling her eyes, Asha sighs, “Bitch, you dramatic as hell.”

“Am I? Am I really?,” Ra’s on a roll now, “You haven’t been on a date in months. This dude just comes and goes as he pleases. I think you need to get back out there. There, being the real fuckin’ world, checking for dudes that want to pay yo bills AND fuck you regularly.”

Asha just looks at Ra. Her friend is a trip and always encouraging her to basically find a baby daddy.

Barely letting Asha take a bite of her food, Ra starts in again, “Also we’re just gonna keep pretending that this nigga is doing Navy shit. Carl is doing Navy shit, couples months here couple months on leave. This nigga just disappears and reappears at will. Come on girl, you ain’t stupid.”

Laughing at Ra, Asha responds, “ First of all, you’re right about the Navy shit but it’s not like I need to know what he’s doing with his time. Second, are you dating carl now.”

“That’s beside the point! Focus!”

Really thinking about what Ra says, she admits that on some points she’s right. She is comfortable with Erik and going out in the world just feels like so much effort. She didn’t want to be a dumb girl and think that more was coming out of their relationship,but they at least had conversations before sex now. That was moving forward, right?

God, she could not get attached to this nigga. His whole demeanor was basically a flashing neon sign saying “I will break your heart and you’ll still come back.” She needed distance and fast.

“It’s not like you don’t know Juan. We went to school with him,he’s cute, smart, and not a serial killer. Go.Out.With.Him.” Ra says her voice ringing with finality. She picks up her burger again before speaking, “At LEAST get a free meal out of this.”

“Fine,” Asha caves, remembering that she liked Juan, she definitely wouldn’t mind dating him and hey free food is free food, “Give me his number.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I had a really good time tonight.” Asha was telling the truth. Juan was sweet, smart, and fine as hell. Only a little taller than her, he was cute in his Black button down and black jeans. He had insisted on walking her up to her door, though the way he did it wasn’t creepy but instead sweet and asked with genuine concern. His hand was on the small of her back as they walked towards her door.

“I did,too. We’ll have to do it again sometime, querida.” And his accent, damn. Juan might have been a Puerto Rican from Queens but he still had a slight accent, combined with his deep voice it had made listening to him at dinner so enjoyable. About her age, they had ran in the same circles in college. He had studied mechanical engineering and had graduated, taking over full time operations of his dad’s car garage.

“That sounds cool,” Asha says, taking her keys out her purse. “Except this time I get to choose the place. I guarantee you I know a place that serves better pinchos than the one we just went to.”

“How are you gonna tell me, the Puerto Rican, that you know where to get better pinchos?” his voice is teasing, reminiscent of the conversations they had at dinner.

Unlocking her door, she turns to face him,“ I’ll have you know, I am very cultured. I could probably show you a great Indian place, too.”

Leaning against the door frame he laughs again, “I guess we got our second and third date planned out don’t we, ma.”

Putting her finger to her chin, she pretend to think about it, “I guess you’ll have to ask to find out.”

“I plan on it” Juan’s voice is firm. Asha hadn’t expected to have so much fun. She hadn’t thought of Erik all night and Juan was just what she needed. Though now that she thought about it, she did feel kinda guilty.

Snap out of it girl, she thinks to herself. You and Erik are not together. You are not doing anything wrong. Live your life.

“Do you, maybe, want to come in?” she asks tentatively, pointing to the apartment door behind her “we could watch a movie or something?”

Standing up straight, he clears his throat looking her in the eye, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

Smiling, Asha pushes open the door, turning to walk inside. Quickly looking into her apartment, the sight before her makes her back track quickly, practically shoving her and Juan out the door and back in the hall before he can see inside.

Leaning against the closed door she breathes deep, “Actually,” Asha starts nervously, shoving strands of hair behind her ear, “I forgot…I..uh..told my cuz she could stay here while her house got fumigated..so.. I uh..I’m so sorry.”

Juan looks at her strangely, trying to decide if he should believe her, “Uhhhh okayyy..Well we could go–”

Interrupting him quickly, “I should probably check on her. I mean she’s already seen me but um, I’ll text you about that date, okay.”

“Yeah,” he responds, clearly confused, “That sounds good.”

He bends down as if to kiss her, panicking she turns her head so his lips land on her cheek before tapping him gently on the chest. “I’ll see you later,” Asha says, practically shooing him, trying not to let the panic show in her eyes as he walks towards the elevator.

Once it closes, she breathes deeply, leaning her head against the door before turning around and walking inside.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she says her voice a near whisper as she speaks to the figure sitting on her couch.

Erik lifts up his head, to look at her. “You look nice,” he says, voice low, his eyes accusing. He takes in her short sun dress paired with her nice makeup and hair. She tames the urge to fidget, reminding herself that she’s allowed to date, they’re not together.

“Jesus christ Erik, you scared the shit out of me”, her voice is close to shrill. He didn’t respond to her voice. “Erik,” she says snapping her fingers in his face, as she walks closer, “Soooo what? You just show up out of the blue now?”

Taking in his appearance, she immediately regrets her attitude. There’s something different about him tonight. She’s used to Erik being stoic, slightly unemotional, but this was something slightly different. He was even more intense. Tonight, he was sitting on her couch, leaning forward with his hands clasped together, his blue hoody fitting him snugly. His eyes were fixed on the opposite wall and she was sure he had only looked at her once since she’d walked in. That was very unlike him, Erik made eye contact with everyone, if only to establish dominance. His cheeks seemed sunken into his face, his brown skin looked almost ashy pale, he had deep bags under his eyes.

“Erik,” Asha says again, her voice softer this time, as she crouches on her heels in front of him, her high heels making her unstable.

He looks up at her, almost like he’s just realized she’s here. In her own home. “Fuck,” he says lowly, rubbing the back of his neck, “It’s late ain’t it?” His question doesn’t really need an answer, its almost like he’s talking to himself.

His timing is impeccable. Less than two days after Ra’s “He comes and goes as he pleases” speech, he shows up in her house, unnerved after a long night of…well shit she doesn’t even know what. She doesn’t typically ask Erik many questions. So far, she’d been able to ignore the signs that something was different about Erik, deciding to live with the philosophy that whatever he was going through or doing was his business. She was just a friend, less than a friend really, they were just warm bodies to each other. She had a feeling that was about to change.

Asha stares at him for a moment before standing. Kicking off her shoes so she’s comfortable, she looks down at him unsure of what to do, before making a decision. She likes him. And while she wasn’t sure what she was getting into and she definitely didn’t trust Erik. She likes him, dammit.

First things first, she thinks to herself, get him relaxed. "I cooked earlier,“ Asha finally speaks, pointing her thumb towards the kitchen, "Why don’t you go get in the shower? I can warm something up when you get out.”

He appears almost relieved at her direction. Or as relieved as Erik can be. Even though she could clearly see something was wrong, his emotions to some degree were still less detectable than the average person’s.

“Yeah,” Erik says standing his body close to hers for a second, he slides his hand against hers, not quite a hand hold, not quite an accidental brush, but some type of sign of affection from someone who wasn’t used to showing it, before making his way to the bathroom.

Sighing deeply she says out loud, “What are you doing, Asha?”, shaking her head at getting involved and attached to a guy who was a A.) possibly a burglar, by the way he broke in her house and B.) emotionally unavailable and possibly borderline sociopathic.

Hearing the water running, Asha makes her way to the bathroom gathering his clothes from where he dumped them on the floor before walking back out. Planning to throw them in the wash so they can be clean, she separates his hoody from his tee shirts, noticing small splotches on the back of his shirt. It was definitely blood. Deciding to ignore that for now, she quickly checks his pants pockets, removing his wallet and keys before starting the washer machine. Quickly she goes into her room, changing into shorts and a tank top, her nice dress and push up bra abandoned to the floor near her hamper.

Walking into the kitchen, she sighs to herself, blood. Was it his or someone elses? Should she ask? She could try to ignore it, like she’s done most of his quirks, like the tribalistic bumps on his chest, but even she had her limits. And she wasn’t sure she could stifle her concern over blood stained clothes.

Looking through the cabinets she decides not to warm up the food, instead she goes into her junk drawer, reaching to the very back for the empty card pack she left pack there, it was where she hid her emergency joints. Grabbing it and a lighter, she walks back into the living room, sitting on the couch and lighting it, inhaling the smoke before holding it and releasing it slowly. She wasn’t sure she should confront him, but he was here in her house? Didn’t that mean she was entitled to an explanation.

Taking another hit of the joint, she thinks, I just need to show him I care but without being accusatory. Easy.

Hearing him get out of the shower and walk towards the living room she calls out,“ Did you still want food?”

“Nah,” he says, voice harsh from disuse, staring at her as she walks towards him. He looks lost. Though she doesn’t think he would ever admit it. And just once, just once, she wants to be the one to find him. To bring him home. Consequences be damned.

Walking slightly past him into the hallway near her bedroom, she reaches back and grabs his hand, looking over her shoulder before asking softly, “You comin’ to bed?”

He looks down at her hand–small, dainty, and brown–wrapped around his. Before moving his hands to her waist, letting her lead the way to the bedroom.

They lay in bed for awhile, passing the slowly dwindling joint back and forth. Asha was trying to play down how monumental this moment this was. The room felt heavy with the secrets he was held within his chest. He shifted a little against her sheets, the hiss of pain he lets out seems loud in the silence of her room, the only sound that of the ceiling fan.

Turning towards him, she reaches across his body to put out the joint in the ashtray near her bed, her body brushing against his. Falling back into place, she places her hand on his stomach, playing connect the dots with the scars on his chest before speaking softly, the cover of darkness, making her words like smoke, less intimidating and quickly disappearing.

“Okay. I don’t know what kind of life you live. It’s not a problem for me. If it was, I think I would have disappeared the first time I saw you with your golds in yo mouth. I don’t need an explanation…but..but when your here, this can be a place where you can get away from those things or work through it. Shit. I’m just trying to say, you don’t have to talk to me but if you want to I’m here.”

Asha lets out a breath. Feeling stupid talking to the darkness. Only his breath moving his chest up and down a sign that he wasn’t sleep.

Abruptly he turns toward her, his body rolling on top of hers, hips slotting in the V of her legs. His hands come up and cradle her face, his hands gentler than ever before, he presses his lips against hers. One-two-three times, lingering a bit on the last one.He doesn’t speak, doesn’t tell her his life story, and yet she somehow feels his appreciation. She’s gotten a little bit closer. Knocked down another wall. Things were changing between them. And from the possessiveness of his kiss, she couldn’t help but think he knew it too.

Erik places one more deep kiss on her lips before rolling to his back again, taking her with him so that she’s half way on his chest her leg bent across his stomach. He rubs his hand up and down her thigh before speaking, “You ever been to the Oakland zoo?,” his voice soft in the night. She doesn’t laugh though this conversation doesn’t go the way she’s expecting.

“Nah. I’ve never been” she says, reaching across him to relight the join they were sharing earlier, passing it to him, “Tell me about it.”

“My dad used to take me,” breathing smoke out through his nose and his mouth, clouding the air between them. “He used to tell me about the animals.”

She stared at him intensely, hanging on to everything he was saying, breathing softly as not to disturb his story.

“Man, I used to be so fuckin’ excited,” his voice takes on a different accent, mimicking solemnly the voice of his father a perfect African accent leaving hs mouth “Nkosana, come, we will go to the zoo today.”

“I used to love the zoo,” Asha says taking the blunt from his fingers, “but it was always so expensive and my mom was NOT taking five of her kids.”

“Yeah. I used to love it too. First time I went, I woke my pops up at 8 am so we could get there when it opened. I was the first little nigga in line,” staring up at the ceiling, he zones out a bit.

“We never really left our hood, ya know. Going to the zoo was a fuckin’ vacation. My pops let me drag him everywhere, never said anything the entire time we were there,” his hands move in front of his face, as if he’s picturing little Erik zipping around, before putting the joint out.

Erik turns to look at her, catching her eye, “We get to the big cats, right. And this is every little niggas favorite spot. I’m pushin’ THROUGH other little dudes to get to the front.”

He stops then, almost like he’s lost in that moment. Caught up in being a kid determined to get to the front.

“I get to the front and the panthers, man. They looked fucking busted. Old. Not moving. It was bullshit,” Erik’s voice comes out intense, she cuddles closer to him, her hands tracing gentle patterns on the scars on his upper shoulders.

“ My pops must’ve saw how pissed I was. He pulled me aside, "Nkosana, this is what happens when animals are taken from their place of strength. They do not belong here. They are being kept in captivity, only allowed to live by the mercy of the zookeepers. He will never be a panther again. Until, he remembers that HE is the smarter, stronger, and faster one. Remember that, Nkosana.”

They’re both silent for a while. Erik contemplating some far off time, with a far younger and more innocent him. Asha joins him in that silence letting him have his time.

He starts talking again, his voice loud and rough in the darkness and lost silence, “I thought he was just talking bullshit. Some philosophical deep shit to make a kid feel better. I know better now.”

Rolling quickly, he lands back on top of her, mimicking their position from before, his hips slotted between the cradle of her legs. Grabbing her face, his hands rough and abrupt, he lifts her face so that their eyes are locked, “All the shit I do, everything, is because I know I’m the smarter, stronger, and faster one..”

Erik leans down kissing her quickly and roughly, claiming her, showing her the truth in his previous statement. He lifts his head up, his voice strong in the night, almost like he’s foretelling an ancient prophecy, one that’s destined to come true, “And one day…the whole fuckin’ world is gonna know it.”


	7. Chapter 7

She wakes the next morning stretching her body across the bed before realizing there was supposed to be a person next to her. Sitting up abruptly, Asha looks around her room searching for any sign of the man that had spent the night, raising a hand to her head and silently cursing when she realizes she had forgot to put a bonnet on. Damn. This man had fucked up her whole night time routine.

From the bedside table she hears a buzzing, looking over to realize it was Erik’s phone and probably the sound responsible for waking her up. The sounds dies before she reaches it, starting up again the name “L” flashing on the screen insistently. Sliding her feet into her house slippers Asha grabs the phone, taking it with her as she follows the distant sound of the television into her living room.

Nearing the source of the sound she walks into the living room, leaning on the door frame at the unexpected sight before her. Erik’s sitting on her couch, the jeans he wore last night riding low on her hips, his shirt nowhere to be found, eating a bowl of cereal Dragon Ball Z playing in the background.

It was that weird but he looked like he belonged there.

Breaking the silence the only way she knows how Asha cracks a joke, "Damn. I thought you were gonna eat ME for breakfast.“

Still eating his cereal, well her cereal really, his eyes don’t move from the television, "Don’t even worry about that, baby girl. I always got room for seconds.”

She can’t help but laugh. This nigga had a comeback for everything. Fine as hell and smart enough to keep up with her. She was definitely fucked, this nigga was gonna break her heart for sure.

Hopping over the back of her couch so she landed on the space next to him, Asha looks at him staring intently at the tv, “Are you really gonna watch Sunday morning cartoons?”

Spooning more cereal in his mouth,he responds distractedly, “Dragon ball Z is a fuckin’ classic.”

Laughing at the man child currently occupying her apartment, Asha grabs the spoon from his hand stealing a spoonful of cereal before speaking with her mouth full. “Did you know Goku only kills like two people in the whole series,” the statement is slightly garbled by her full mouth.

Turning to look at her, Erik’s face has a sneer on it, “Damn, bro. You can’t close your mouth?”

Asha sticks her tongue out so he can see her half chewed food before swallowing. “You were literally just talking about eating my pussy 3 minutes ago so I think you can deal with some half chewed food, asshole.”

He stares at her for a second before she sees a tiny smile on his face as he steals the spoon back from her. Feeling a vibration underneath her she remembers why she sought him out in the first place.

“Oh yeah, someone named "L” was blowin’ up your phone this morning,“ handing him his phone before getting off the couch and heading to the kitchen, "Better call them back before they send out a search party.”

“Nah, got better things to do,"Erik says, his voice sounding closer than before. Turning around Asha sees that he’s followed her into the Kitchen. He walks closer to her backing her against her center island.

Catching the glint in his eye Asha plays coy, ”—–“

"You,” Erik responds, setting his hands on her hips to pick her up and settle her on the island.

His hands lift to cup her face, holding her there, just maintaining eye contact. It makes her squirm a little being looked at so intensely by this man.

“What” Asha tries to turn her head away, trying to break eye contact, “Stop starin’.”

He hums a little before tilting her chin up towards him, “nah you cute, baby girl.”

“Thank you.”Asha huffs out a laugh at the unexpected compliment, though his face stays straight, eyes roaming her face like he’s cataloging her features.

“Cute’s not really my vibe, ya know?” His statement posed more like a question, making her shoulders droop.

So this is it, she thinks, after the shit she did for him he’s gonna break it off cause she’s “cute”. Asshole. She’s not just some soft girly girl. She thought last night would show him that she could be tough. Trusted. 

Asha opens her mouth, her whole body tensing with what is sure to be the start to an awkward conversation “…-”

He interrupts her before she can start talking, “Guess I’m gonna have to get used to having a cute girl,huh?” Erik’s mouth curves into a small smirk, one hand wrapping around her back, his body slotting closer in the v her legs are making, “Don’t wanna have to fuck up Juan for thinking he can take you out.”

Asha’s mouth drops open in shock, totally forgetting that part of last night and how she was trying to make sure he didn’t see that interaction. Thinking quickly, she already making out excuses in her mind. Before she can get out a reply, Erik swoops in kissing away any flimsy excuse she could have made.

His lips move from her lips to her neck, nibbling, making marks that screamed Erik was here. She gasps, her head arching back as his tongue stroked over her neck. She can’t even think to tell him no, suspecting that this was just his was of marking is territory or some other dog like shit. 

“So that nigga know who’s here,” he says biting deeply into the skin of her neck, between soothing the spot with her tongue. 

Lifting her shirt up and over her head, Erik lays her back against the kitchen island, tongue moving down to her breasts. Trying to lift her body she pushes up, wanting to touch his skin, he pushes her back down flat.

“Nah, baby girl, I’m ready for my second breakfast,” he bites out, his tongue licking her breasts, his lips nibbling sporadically.

His hand moved down her belly, stroking its way to her parted thighs, her panties getting the same treatment as her shirt.

“Fuck!” her voice almost non existent when his fingers, thick and hot enter her soaked pussy. She stares up into his face, seeing the raw lust that’s transformed him. Then in amazement she sees his arm lift, his hand moving to his mouth. Two fingers glistening, Asha whimpers as he takes them into his mouth, his eyes darkening as he tastes her. His lashes lower, heave with sexuality, his lips fuller,and face tense, tight with the needs that surge through both of their bodies. 

Eyes lifting to reconnect to hers, his lips turn up in a smirk, “Shit girl, you sweet as fuck.”

God he was too sexy when he talked. She almost preferred the silence, cause she knew with that voice she’d do anything he asked.

“Ask me to eat you,” his voice demands roughly. “Ask me, baby girl.”

“Oh, God.” Her eyes widen as his face is poised over the most desperate, aching part of her body. Giving up the bare minimum of resistance she attempts to hold back. 

“C’mon baby, you know you pretty when you beg for me.”

Asha licks her lips, panting hard as he spreads her legs further, his fingers glancing over her. 

Finally giving in she moans, shaking, desperate for his touch, “Yes. Please.Please.Please.Please.Please.” The words tripping over each other in her desperation to get them out. He wastes no time getting to work. 

Her head falls back, a hard shudder wracking her body.

His tongue rasps through the slit of her lips from bottom to top. Slow, sliding, erotically rough, and so hot she felt her flesh would melt. Erik’s hard hands gripped her things, holding them apart when she would have clenched them around his head.

“Mmm,” his moan of pleasure vibrates against her clit. Asha gasps for breath as he licks her, his tongue dipping into the tight entrance of her vagina, swirling around, his grunts of pleasure echoing against her body.

Asha feels mindless now. She can feel the sensations building, her skin tingling, the pressure increasing in her clit as he stroked around it, over it, and sucked it lightly into his mouth. 

“Fuck, Erik, please!” The words erupting from her mouth as he sipped at her flesh.

She could feel her orgasm building in her. Her hair tight within his dreads, her things basically suffocating him between them. Her body tightens involuntarily, every bone and muscle in her reaching for his mouth, his lip, his tongue. God, his tongue!

He was killing her. He had to be killing her with pleasure, building, increasing. She could feel her heart struggling to keep up with the demands her arousal was placing on her but fuck it if she died of a heart attack now it would be so gotdamn worth it.

She felt one hard male finger slide past the soft folds of skin. His mouth suckling her clit faster, his fingers pushing inside her, filling her, burning her.

She felt her scream before she heard it, the pleasure bursting inside her. Desperate, hard, her hips buckle. Her climax was like a tide wave, tearing through her, heaving her body as she held tight to him as if he was some anchor to hold her to earth.

Moaning, it felt never ending, her pussy spasming more its grip tightening around his plunging fingers, soaking his hands and her thighs.

Lifting his head up slowly, Erik watches her as she comes down from her orgasm. Asha knows she looks a mess, breathing like she just ran a marathon, spread out on a kitchen counter and yet she couldn’t find the energy to care, to speak, or even to move.

Grabbing her hands and pulling her back to a sitting position, his face is stoic though she can see a teasing glint in his eyes, “ Now how bout I give you some dick for breakfast.”

Asha laughs breathlessly, the audacity of this nigga. Jumping down from the table she grabs his hand walking back towards the bedroom, “mmmhm,” she says one hand going to her chin as if she was thinking, “Breakfast in bed DOES sound nice.”  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He stays the night frequently after that. It just happens naturally after the first time. Though that doesn’t mean he stays the whole time. There are nights when she wakes up, his side of the bed slightly cold, hearing the faint sound of him talking to someone on the phone, before he comes back to bed telling her he has to leave, reminding her to lock the door after him.

Sometimes she’ll hear the vibrations before he does, causing her to nudge him into wakefulness, but once he’s on the phone he always leaves. She doesn’t know what he’s doing, but Asha knows with Erik there is a time and a place to ask questions. And she doesn’t want to ask questions she might not like the answer to.

They still haven’t defined their relationship but Asha just knows that now its something MORE. Sometimes they’ll go out, her and Erik are on a personal mission to find the best hole in the wall soul food restaurant there is. Other times they stay in, Erik was there when she finished the last paragraph of her dissertation, fucking her on top of all her school papers after she presses the submit button. She was okay with the change and had even gotten Rashida’s tentative support after she saw them together at a party.

That doesn’t stop her messy ass sister from starting shit though.

The first sunday of every month, Asha always went home. Home to her was only 30 minutes away but school, work, and a flourishing social life kept her from visiting more than she wanted. Sunday dinner was important to her mom and since she couldn’t make all of them, she did the best she could. She drove down early that morning, making it so she was able to help her mom with the food prep this morning.

Standing in the kitchen, cutting up bananas for her mom’s famous banana pudding, Asha was barely listening to her mom and sister gossip about the couple down the street’s business. Thinking about whether she should bring Erik a plate back with her, she didn’t tune into the conversation until she heard her name being mentioned.

“I mean we all know, Jamal ain’t shit and wasn’t gonna be shit,” Aida, Asha’s younger sister wasn’t even pretending to help with the food, she was here for the gossip and that was it.

“Watch yo language in my house, girl.” Asha’s mom was the opposite of her daughters, tall and statuesque, she looked like a Amazonian princess even at 50. Her daughters were both smaller in stature and nobody knew how. “And that just goes to show you,” she adds waving her knife through the air to punctuate her sentence she continues, “Don’t be getting stuck with these hood niggas.”

Popping a Nilla cookie in her mouth, regardless of it being morning, Aida smirks her whole demeanor that of someone about to be petty “Maybe you should tell Ash that.”

Her head swiveling between her two daughters, Evelyn’s eye squint in suspicion as she picks up her coffee cup, “What’s she talkin’ bout Asha?”

Whipping her head around to glare at her sister, Asha replies through gritted teeth, “She just being messy, its nothin’.”Turning back around hoping the conversation will get dropped but knowing the chances of that were slim she starts cutting again.

“Keara said she saw you with some dude the other day. Tall, dreads, AND with golds in his mouth. Sounds like a hood nigga to me.”

“Why you always gotta start something, Aida!” Exasperated Asha spins to face her mom and sister, setting the knife down on the counter.

“I’m just saying, you bout to be all high and mighty with that PhD and everyone talking bout you and some Oakland dude.”

Damn. Damn. Damn. Obviously her and Erik were being more open about their relationship-non-relationship-whatever-thing, but how the hell it had gotten back to her sister she just couldn’t fucking fathom. “Oh, what else she say? Since apparently Keara is a fucking authority on my life.”

“Language!” Slamming her coffee cup down on the table, her mom punctuates her statement before taking a seat at the table with Aida.

“Sorry,Ma.”

A silence settles over the kitchen, as Asha avoids speaking, her mom stares, and Aida sits smugly.

However, Evelyn Washington was not the type to give up easily, “Well?”

Taking the last seat at the table, Asha sighs “Well what? Obviously y’all just taking what Keara says as true.”

Seeing through the bullshit, her mom just stares before speaking, “So what IS going on, Asha Shana Washington?”

Asha’s mind went back to her earlier musings. How serious were she and Erik? They checked in sometimes, sending text messages or phone calls almost on a daily basis when she knew he was in town and not in the field. They laughed with each other. Helped each other with their various school work, since Erik was apparently going for another degree, though his MIT classes were online. Played the Xbox he had brought over one night. Not to mention the toe curling, mindblowing, top tier sex they had whenever they could. She wasn’t gonna tell her mom and sister all this but she knew Evelyn could spot a lie in a minute.

Deciding to be diplomatic and cautious she speaks what is mostly the truth. “We’re getting to know each other, ma.”

“Mmhm,” her mom hums out, her gaze still fixedly on Asha’s.

Not resisting a moment to get her two cents in, Aida leans forward eagerly, “First of all, let me just say we are all so glad you gotta man.” Asha grimaces, resisting the urge to revert to her teenage self and launch herself at her sister as she continues, “So what’s he like?”

“I don’t know,”She responds shrugging, “He’s Erik.”

“Keara said he’s from Africa, is that true? You know I’ve heard how African men are.”

Evelyn snorts into her coffee and finally joins the conversation again, “Girl, I think you talking about Jamaicans.”

Jumping in quickly, Asha responds, “We really shouldn’t be stereotyping anyway.”

Aida groans, “Oh my god, shut yo PC ass up!”

Interrupting quickly before her daughter get into an argument Evelyn asks, “Where his people from?”

Asha turns to look at her mom, ignoring Aida, “He’s from Oakland, but his dad was from a place called Wakanda in Africa. You know I think his dad was someone important over there at some point. “

Aida snorts loudly, “It’s Africa! How important can it get?”

“Okay, well at least he’s in touch with his roots!” Asha shoots back, tired of her sister’s attitude. 

“That just means his ancestors probably screwed over our ancestors so they wouldn’t have to get on the damn boat.”

Unable to hold it in, Asha and her mom sputter out a laugh, before Asha responds, “That’s not how it works, you idiot.”

Evelyn lays her hand on top of Asha’s on the table, “Girls, focus. How serious is this, Asha?”

Thinking deeply, her head going down for a second before popping back up, she looks her mom in the eye, “ I like him. I really like him. And he’s got like two doctorates and he’s young as hell and he’s working towards another one and I just want to be with him. It might not be forever but so what. I at least want to experience and explore what’s going on.”

With a sigh, Aida holds her chin up on her hand, “Oh my god you so white with this explore shit.”

Ignoring her, Evelyn responds, looking directly at Asha, “So you want to marry this man someday?”

“I don’t know if that’s what i’m saying ma.” Holding her hands out in front of her, her mom needed to slow down. Marriage wasn’t on her mind soon with anyone, let alone Erik.”

Evelyn huffs, getting up from her chair to pour more coffee in her cup, “ So what you saying you just gonna shack up with this man.” Her mom was more traditional than her daughters, her weekly trips to church and her strict upbringing making sure of that.

Groaning into her hands, Asha’s reply is muffled “ Why can’t we just have what we have? I’m happy and he’s happy. Its whatever.”

Quick to chime in, Aida speaks, “Do you even know his real job,bitch. Keara says he disappear for like 3 months at a time.”

“He works for the government, nosy!” Turning to look at her ma, her gaze reassuring, “He was a Navy seal, it’s not that abnormal to not know the shit he’s doing.”

Aida’s gaze is skeptical, “Mmmhm Ray-Ray works down in HR at the recruiting place. Imma get him to look his ass up just in case this nigga playing you and got some secret family.”

Her mom was silent again while the discussion raged on around her. When she spoke her voice was heavy, intense, and a little melancholy. “This isn’t how I would do things but y’all did a lot of things I didn’t get to do. I didn’t go to college. I had babies young. If this feels right to you then do it. But don’t let this man–”

Asha interrupts her voice matter-of-fact, “—-I know break my heart.”

“—No that’s not what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid he’ll take your heart with him wherever he goes,baby. And you’ll be stuck following him just to get it back.”


	8. Chapter 8

“E!” Asha calls from the kitchen, “come try this!”

Standing at the stove, Asha stirs the pot of vegetables and chicken she’s sauteing. Her cooking was an event as both her and Erik knew it wasn’t her strong suit. Whenever they stayed in he was definitely in charge of the cooking, while she did her best to be a cute sous chef.

However, Erik had just come back from God knows where for two months so she figured she could put her minimal cooking skills to the test with the basic stir fry she knew how to make.

Popping a piece of chicken in her mouth, Asha feels the warmth of him behind her.

“Damn, you greedy,huh”Erik speaks from behind her, arms snaking around her body, before grabbing a piece of chicken directly out of the pan and putting it in his mouth.

She hears a hiss from behind her as the heat hits the roof of his mouth, she laughs at his ridiculousness, “It’s hot, dumbass!”

He squeezes her for a quick second, choosing to ignore her comment, before walking around to sit at the bar in her kitchen, watching her cook.

“I like your look, baby girl,” He leans back on the legs of her bar stool, “very domestic.”

Asha snorts, she is clearly far from domestic but she guesses her outfit is deceptive. Her hair was up in a bun, curly pieces escaping like they always did. She was wearing a silk robe, panties and bra underneath. The robe was something Erik had showed up with one night, claiming it was a gift, light pink and threaded with silver patterns that she couldn’t decipher. She had tried to refuse it when he randomly took it out and threw it at her one day, in typical Erik fashion. She had recognized the real silk right away and was unsure how she should feel about taking expensive gifts from him but he had of course kissed her till she forgot all her protests.

“Don’t let the robe fool you,” She replies piling the stir fry into two different bowls before coming to sit beside him at the bar stool.

He smirks at her, eyes lingering on her robe falling off her shoulder, before focusing on the food in front of him.

“Looks aight, you sure it’s safe to eat?” his voice sounds skeptical as he pokes around with his fork.

“I would be happy to let you cook forever if that’s how you really feel,” her voice is sugary sweet as she scoops a forkful into her mouth.

Finally eating his food, “Nah, you did aight.” he says scooping more food into his mouth.

She smiles into her bowl not letting him see how much his small praise affected her. They eat in silence for a while before she feels hears the buzzing of his phone on the counter. He reaches over quickly pushing the side button to silence the call.

They continue eating, Asha flipping through a book she was finishing,Erik completely focused on his food. They spend most of their meals like this when they’re at her place, eating in companionable silence, not awkward, not tense, just being there with each other.

She halfway through reading a paragraph, fork in one hand, book in the other, when she hears his phone buzzing again. He reaches over ending the call before it quickly starts up again. Asha watches all this in silence, wondering if this is her opening.

She puts her fork down, still looking down at her book, her voice deliberately casual, “Is that your job?,” she starts, “I don’t mind you answering.”

His voice is short when he responds, “Nah, it’s cool.” He ends the call, barely glancing up at her.

She doesn’t respond, waiting for what she knows is gonna happen. And it does. His phone starts ringing again.

“Damn, nigga, just answer the phone,” quickly closing her book she reaches across the table making a move to grab his phone. Eric’s hand moves quickly, clasping on hers and stopping her in her tracks, her body half leaned across the bar. His grip isn’t painful, but it’s firm.

“It’s cool. It just my superior checking in” he says once again, finally looking her in the eye.

Snatching her hand back, Asha settles back into her seat with a huff before speaking, “Your superior…checking in…on a Friday night.,”Asha says her voice sarcastic, “Sounds completely realistic.”

Throwing his fork down in his bowl Erik sits up, his eyes blazing already, “What the fuck you want me to say, Ash?”

“How bout we both agree I’m not stupid,” she says waving her fork in front of her, “ And we can just agree that your business is your business. But don’t lie to me, Erik.”

Erik stares at her, his face in a sneer, she can practically see the wheels turning in his head prepping what is sure to be a lie. She sighs, rubbing her temples a little, she wasn’t looking for a fight. Just an acknowledgement. An acknowledgment that she wasn’t stupid and something isn’t adding up.

“Just don’t lie to me,” She says her voice soft but firm.

Erik groans a little, running his hands through his dreads before setting his mouth.

“Fuck,” the words comes out low but aggressive, “had to get a girl who was a smart, huh?”

His comment makes her smile but it doesn’t deter her from figuring this shit out.

“It’s not Seal shit, aight. But it ain’t shit I can tell you about. I’m not fucking around and I’m not dealing drugs or that stupid shit, but it’s my business. Shit ain’t gonna blow back on you.” Erik’s voice is firm and controlled but it’s definitely all he’s willing to say.

Asha’s silent for a second, not sure if she should push more. She decides not to push, instead she’ll think on all he’s said later.

“Fine,” She says lifting her fork back up, her attention going back to her book.

He seems skeptical, his eyes still looking at her nonchalant movements, “We cool?” His voice sounds disbelieving.

Asha snorts a little, before looking up at him again,her voice succinct “I asked you a question. You answered what you could. We cool.”

Erik snorts, before going back to his food, “This what it’s like being with a girl that not crazy, huh?”

Asha’s smile is small and directed at her book, “It has its perks.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Asha was awoken by a sharp pain in her side. She attempts to groan but is stopped by something covering her mouth. Opening her eyes in a panic, she’s met with Erik’s face hovering over hers, his eyes wide and stark against the darkness of their bedroom, his hand covering her mouth.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I can’t end up like an episode of criminal minds. I should have known he was a serial killer. Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I’m gonna die cause I couldn’t let go of the dick.

Her inner monologue making her frantic, she opens her mouth to attempt to scream, her body hemmed in by his when he leans down, pressing his mouth to her ear his voice barely audible, “Don’t talk.,” his voice hot against her ear, “I think there’s someone here.”

Asha’s eyes widen. Who the fuck was in her house and why was Erik so calm about it? Did this have something to do with his mysterious job? She was too young to die.

Closing her eyes, she breathes deeply, attempting to stay calm. She nods her head, attempting to show Erik that she understands, letting out a breathe as he lifts his hand off her face.

Still on top of her he whispers into her ear again, “I’m gonna go see what’s going on but you need to do exactly what I say, Asha.” His voice is intense, letting her know that this is not a game. “Asha, do you understand?” his voice is soft but firm, making her nod frantically.

Erik eases to the other side of the bed, pulling open the drawer to the bedside table near where he usually sleeps. He reaches his hand in pulling out one gun, setting it down on the bed, before reaching in grabbing a second.

Asha was shaking at this point, questions and fear running through her mind. When the fuck did she get guns in her house? Why was this nigga carrying around guns? She didn’t even know how she felt about gun control issues and she had apparently been living with a minimum of two in her bedside drawer.

Turning back around, he hands her the smaller gun, forcing it into her hand when she doesn’t reach to take it from him. Grabbing her face, he forces her attention on him and not on the weapon he just put in her hand, his voice soft but loud at the same time because of his lips directly at her ear, “Baby. Asha. Focus. Go stand behind the bedroom door. Keep it closed and don’t come out unless I tell you to. Anyone comes in here, you click this safety off,” he points at the safety of the gun, “and you shoot ‘em. Don’t hesitate.”

Her breath coming out hard, Asha stares up at him, not sure this is something she can do, “Erik,” his name leaves her throat in an almost whimper.

“Don’t hesitate,” he prompts again, causing her to nod again, the only reaction she seems to be able to produce in this situation

Erik stands up, his boxer briefs still on, he makes no attempts to grab his sweatpants that were on the floor. A little bit of light from the streetlights outside shine through her window catching her face, revealing a hard, focused expression that she can’t recall ever seeing on his face. His arms and shoulder muscles tense as he grips the butt of his gun in his right hand, cocking it slowly, the “click-clak” of the gun loud in the silence making her wince.

Moving to the bedroom door, his movements were silent and efficient, reminding Asha that Erik had a life away from her. A life where he learned to move silently through life or death situation to survive. Seeing his ease, the confidence of his movements gave her the courage to stand up and move behind the door when he motions to her, gun in hand.

Asha could feel her heart pounding in her ears as Erik carefully turns the door handle, cracking the door just a little and slipping out of the room. Before she could process if she could hear anything, he closes the door behind her with a soft click.

Pressing her ear to the door, she hopes to hear something that would tell her Erik was okay and in control of the situation. She couldn’t guess who was out there or why. She lived in a safe apartment complex, her dad making sure of that when she moved in. You even needed a code to get in the door, one of the reasons she had chosen the place.

Her knee bouncing, she considers whether she’d be able to hide behind the door while something happened to him. Fuck. If a gun goes off, I’m going out there.

Leaning her head against the door, she starts to hear muffled voices; a slightly accented male voice and Erik’s. She couldn’t make out what they were saying but Erik was practically barking, voice harsh and scary in the night.

Cursing herself for not having an actual clock on her nightstand, she starts to count the seconds, each one crawling by. As the seconds tick by her resolve weakens, hand inching closer and closer to the doorknob. He was gonna be so pissed, but not knowing what was going on and the silence that she now heard were shooting her already high anxiety skyrocketing.

Cracking the door just a little so she could hear what was going on, a small sliver of light enters the bedroom. The silence that she heard was actually filled with grunts she couldn’t hear through the door. Asha hears the sounds of glass shattering and a crash of something hitting a wall.

Debating on whether she should stay put or not, she hears Erik’s voice, “Asha! Get out here!”

That meant everything was safe, right? He wouldn’t put her in danger. Just in case, she raises the gun in front of her with both hands as she walks down the hallway. Entering the living room, she sees the guy who broke in, a buff white dude, his clothes ruffled from his obvious scuffle with Erik, dressed in all black. His clothing almost reminiscent of the things she had seen in military or spy movies. His eyes were bulging and bloodshot, his face covered in cuts, he was struggling for limited oxygen with Erik’s arm jammed under his chin. From where she stood she could see the blood oozing from his nose and lips.

“Jesus Christ,” Asha says, her gun up and in front of her as she takes in the scene.

Erik’s voice is basically a growl when he speaks, “Memorize this nigga face. The next time, you , I, or any-fucking-body see his ass within a fuckin’ mile of you or this house, imma blow his head off.”

She jumped a little at the combination of his voice and the threat coming from it. The words rolling so easily from his tongue. She knew Erik had secrets, knew he was in the military and there were things he wouldn’t tell her. Seeing him in front of her, dressed in only boxer briefs, muscles flexed beneath his sweat-drenched skin, the bumps that she could ignore at just something innocent started to look sinister. This was a far sight from the man who let her drag him into trivial pursuit games.

“Keep yo gun on him,” Erik says, his voice still aggressive.

Asha tightens her grip on the gun, responding instantly, watching the intruder’s eyes get bigger as she points the barrel at him, her voice is raspy and almost inaudible when she speaks, “Okay.”

Snatching the man by his shirt, Erik walks him to the door, Asha following closely. Flinging him towards the stairs he grabs the gun out of her hand, “Remember what the fuck I said,”he spits out, the gun raised in front of him as the man runs down the stairs. Dropping the gun only when they see him disappear, he turns back to her, “Let’s go inside, babygirl.”

His hands on the small of her back he guides her back in, closing the door behind him. Still in shock Asha starts looking around her living room, surveying the damage. Her coffee table was a goner and there were a few pictures knocked off the wall, glass shattered across the floor, not to mention the blood droplets that were around.

Careful to avoid the mess she turns back towards Erik looking him in the eye as she points her thumb over her shoulder, her voice is still soft, slightly timid, “I’m gonna go get my phone. We should call the police”

Taking a step towards her room, she feels a pressure on her arm,Erik grabbing it and swinging her back towards him, “Nah. No cops, its cool.”

Mouth dropping open in disbelief, she prepares to argue, “Erik–”

“You call the cops. They come here, see me, see the guns, and somehow I’m the nigga in jail,” His voice is just as aggressive as it was with the man who broke in , his eyes steely.

She sighs, recognizing the truth in his statement, “What was that even about?,” Asha asks, walking to the kitchen to grab a wet paper towel for the cuts on his hands, “Was he trying to take anything? Why come to the second floor?”

Shrugging, Erik lets her clean the spots on his hands, eyes not focused on her, voice evasive, “Probably a crackhead. Trying to steal things to sell or some shit.”

Throwing the paper towel on the counter beside him, Asha’s voice is harsh, “Cut the shit, nigga! I ain’t never see no crackhead in fucking military grade ninja gear.” She pauses, running her hands through her hair, her voice soft when she continues “ Just don’t lie to me. Remember.”

Standing up to walk away from her, he crosses his arms, his breathing harsh as he looks away.

“I don't’ know who the fuck he was. Or what the fuck he wanted,” he starts, voice strong and confident in the night as he walks back towards her his hands going up to cup her face, tilting her eyes up to his, “but ain’t no-fucking-body gonna hurt you ‘cause of me.”

Looking into his eyes, she know she should question him further but with exhaustion setting in and her adrenaline leaving her she decides to let it go. For now.

“So now what?” she asks, looking around her apartment.

His hands going up to twist at his dreads a little bit, he seems to make a decision, “Go pack some shit. We’ll crash at my place."

The ride to his place was quiet. Asha was deep in her head. On one hand she wanted to press for more, call his bullshit on his words before. But she could barely keep her eyes open. On the other hand, she was eager to get this glimpse into his world. She always assumed he stayed in barracks or something when he wasn’t deployed but apparently he actually had a place. 

As he drove smoothly through the streets, lights illuminating his face every once in a while, one hand on the steering wheel the other on her thigh she knew her reaction was too subdued. A stranger broke into her apartment, her non official boyfriend had guns stashed in her house, and she was too tired to care.

She should have been bothered by this alot. And even more bothered by the little she knew about the man she shared a bed with and shared her life with on a regular basis. It wasn’t that she didn’t know he had a dark side. But it was very obvious that when he was around her he suppressed that side–it usually resulted in him being a straight face unemotional mannequin–staying quiet till she moved the conversation along.

Asha had hear the stories, gossip shared around parties that were basically folklore and myths, of the shit he had been through or done or was involved with. But she had never seen any inkling that any of those things could be true. Until tonight. It scared her. And not because of the coldness in his eyes and the harshness in her voice but what scared her was how safe she felt around him. Even in this terrible situation, she believed that he would never let anything happen to her. She felt lucky. Lucky enough to have a man who could help her write a paper but also beat the shit out of someone to protect her.

Looking over at him, her eyes drooping and her body near sleep, she studies the bumps peeking from under the short sleeves of his shirt and for the first time since she’d been around him she didn’t feel indifferent about it. If those bumps had made him the man that had protected her tonight, she’d love each and everyone.


	9. Chapter 9

Asha was woken up when the door she was leaning on opened. Jumping awake before she fell over, she looked at the doorway to see Erik crouching at her car door.

“Hey,” she says voice raspy with sleep , “We here?”

He nods, reaching over to unbuckle her seat belt, before standing and opening the back seat “Yeah. Head inside, I’ll grab your stuff.”

Asha looks around hoping for some clue of where they are but all she can see is the parking garage around them. Seeing the side entrance, she heads inside quickly, pushing the button for the elevator as she waits for Erik to make his way inside.

They stand in the elevator making their way to the third floor, Asha’s head leaning against his arm as she struggles to stay awake.

Nudging her a little when the elevator stops, they walk down to the very end of the hall before he stops and opens the door to his apartment. 

Entering the apartment, Erik kicks off his shoes, prompting her to kick off hers, giving at a chuckle as she thinks about doing the same thing at her granny and mom’s house. Brown people just won’t let you wear shoes in their house. 

He drops their bag at the door flicking on the lights and walking through the apartment as she looks around.

The house is very Erik, it tells her a lot of what she already guessed about him.

It’s clearly a bachelor pad, leather couch, every gaming system in the world located under the mounted TV. There weren’t any pictures on the wall, but the exposed brick made it so he didn’t need any. 

More importantly everything was in its place. His house was almost sterile in its cleanliness. Shoes perfectly lined up by the door color coded like the game boxes she can also see on a shelf in the living room. He doesn’t have any knick knacks, nothing out of place. She suspects some of his almost manic cleanliness comes from his military background, but she suspects he as a little bit of OCD, probably his way of dealing with anxiety.

Walking down the hall a little she enters one doorway, noticing that it’s clearly an office. Asha looks around in awe the room holding more than she expected. Mounted on the wall to her left are tribal masks of all sorts, some made of natural materials like would, others made with what looks like golds and silvers. the other wall holds a large built in books shelf that goes straight to ceiling. The books aren’t organized but instead stacked and leaning haphazardly on each other as if he couldn’t wait to put one down before picking up another. 

There was a large mahogany table in the middle, it figures he wouldn’t have a traditional desk, its shape octagonal. Covered in maps, journals, figures and more it clearly was the space of someone dedicated to their craft. Whatever that was. 

Asha takes a step out of the doorway and into the room, hoping to get a closer look inside, when Erik walks in behind her. He’s back from checking for whatever threats could possibly be lurking, even in his apartment. He takes her hand in his before walking down the hall to the back of the apartment. Closing the office door behind him he leads her into the bedroom. 

This room was only slightly homier than the living room. A giant bed covered in black sheets and blankets take up most of the space, there was a dresser and two side tables filling up the rest of the space.

Taking off her hoodie she runs to the bed jumping in with a groan before rolling around on the pillow top mattress.

“Why have we been sleeping on my crap mattress,” Asha’s voice is muffled by her face being buried in the cover, “when you have this luxury rich people mattress here?”

Asha hears his laugh as he moves around, prompting her to lift her head up and peak at him. She sees him picking up her hoodie and folding it, sitting it on top of his dresser, “Nah, you too messy.”

“Messy?!” her voice is indignant, “I leave a few dishes in the sink ONE TIME–”

“They were cereal bowls!” Erik’s voice is intense, causing her to laugh, “You can’t leave milk residue overnight!”

Groaning before rolling over to the side she wants to sleep on, she climbs under the covers pulling them up to her chin, “Forget about the milk and come enjoy the fact that we can lay in the same bed and not even feel each other’s body heat.”

Eyes closed, already half asleep from the coziness of the bed she hears him speak. 

“Give me a minute, Imma go set the house alarm.”

“Mmmhm,” her mouth erupting in a yawn mid-sentence “when you come back we’ll talk about the guns and stuff.”

He doesn’t reply as she hears him walk out of the room. She’s asleep by the time he comes back.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sun peaking through the blinds is what woke her up first, the cold waking her up second. Lifting her head off of the pillow, Asha wipes the drool from her mouth, noticing that she’s alone and splayed in the middle of the bed the covers kicked off of her. 

Groaning before pushing herself up, she heads to the bathroom to pee, putting her hair in a quick bun as she does so. She finishes up and heads to the front of the house, seeing how light and airy everything looks in the day time. 

Walking into the kitchen, she sees Erik sitting at the table talking lowly on the phone in some language she doesn’t understand. Seeing the Keurig machine on the counter, she makes herself a quick cup before grabbing a spoon and some creamer to stir in. Walking over to the table, Asha sits opposite him, silent as he continues his intense phone conversation, making no move to acknowledge her as he marks something off in the notebook in front of him. 

Finally hanging up, he scribbles something down, before beginning to dial a new number. Deciding its now or never, she realizes that all of their important conversations have started at a kitchen table. 

“So we should talk about what happened last night?” Swirling her coffee around with her spoon, Asha says the statement as casually but firmly as she can.

“In a minute. Gotta take care of some business.” Erik looks up at her for a second, their eyes connecting, almost if he’s daring her to push the convo. It was a good thing she woke up in a double dog dare mood.

“Yeah. That shit ain’t gonna work for me. Now’s good though,” voice flippant, she’s fully prepared to turn this into a full blown argument if need be.

“I really don’t need this right now, Ash. I gotta take care of some shit.” exasperation in his voice he picks up the phone again. 

“You don’t need this…Look, Erik, I don’t know if you don’t take me seriously– maybe its cause I’m not rocking gold teeth casually or maybe its because I’m not whoever the hell you’re always on the phone with–BUT you don’t get to dismiss me and my concerns cause you ‘don’t need this right now’.” Setting down her spoon, she crosses her arms over her chest as she looks over at him.

Erik’s head is down, voice low when he speaks, the heat behind his words obvious, “We talked about this. You said you would support me. You said you wasn’t trying to pry.”

Scoffing in disbelief, Asha throws her hands up. “We also said no secrets. No. Secrets. Which keeps me from asking a whole lotta questions cause I don’t want you to lie to me.”

“I wouldn’t lie to you.” Erik’s voice is insistent almost offended that she would think he would lie to her.

Asha knows he wouldn’t lie but that’s cause he never lets the questions get that far. She tells him as much trying to get him to understand without starting a bigger argument.

“Cause you don’t have to. Because I don’t ask the questions. I never ask why you’re gone at random times,though the gun and the bruises give me some insight,” she adds flippantly, her voice getting more intense as she goes, she stands up from her chair to pace, “I never ask about the god damn phone calls. The never ending phone calls. And you should be fucking lucky that I’m not asking about who the fuck ‘L’ is in this conversation–”

Smacking his teeth, Erik shakes his head “Man, don’t even start on that bullshit–”

“But that’s beside the point.” Hands moving for emphasis along with her words, she’s hitting her stride now, “ The point is I deserve to know about last night. I get to know, Erik!”

His hands slices through the air like a knife, “Nah, nah, that’s not how it works, baby girl!”

“What the fuck do you mean–”

“This…This thing. It’s all or nothing and I don’t want you involved, so nah.”

There’s silence as Asha tries to digest this command or order or whatever. She’s taken a lot of shit but she’s never been good at being treated like a child.

“No? NO? I’m not a child, nigga! You don’t get to keep things like this to yourself.” Asha’s tired of pretending like everything’s good. Like she hasn’t been ignoring warning signs since the beginning. She’s not stupid and she needs to remind him of this.

“I think I’ve been pretty good at acting pretty damn dumb, Erik. But this, this I can’t ignore,” Her voice is low and shaky but she continues on, “A man broke into my house last night. I held a gun. A gun that YOU were keeping in my home without me knowing. Your business is your business until it puts my black ass in danger.”

Erik’s standing in front of her, his body language already defensive. Arms crossed, jaw clenched, he doesn’t respond to her ranting.

“Speak, nigga.” Asha’s getting fed up now, “Now is not the time to be the strong and silent type. I held a gun in my HAND last night. I might be from the hood but I am not a hood bitch.”

He starts shaking his head halfway through her talking, bursting into action the second she stops speaking, his hand coming up to emphasize his point, “This why I don’t do this shit–”

“Do what shit, Erik? What?!”

“This!” He yells, gesturing between the two, “This fucking domestic shit!–”

“So this is MY FAULT?! You showed up at MY place! YOU called me “your girl”. Nobody asked for that shit.” Scoffing she turns around, looking around the room almost shocked that no one is here to hear this nonsense.

His face is set in a sneer, golds glinting almost tauntingly, reminding her of how different they are from each other. Pulling up his sweatpants a little he turns away, “Fuck it. I’m over it.”

“Over what?”

“This shit. This arguing shit is for the birds and I ain’t changing my mind.” Erik’s voice is casual, as if he hadn’t just thrown a bomb into their conversation. There is was just tick tick ticking, seconds away from exploding.

“Soooo—” Asha says trying to get a real clear sense of what he’s saying.

“Man, imma just take you home.” He turns, giving her his back as he walks back towards the bedroom. Not willing to let it go she follows him down the hallway. Tick. tick. Tick. tick.

“Are you being forreal right now?” she asks in disbelief following him into the bedroom. The bed a reminder of the fact that everything was mildly okay like 4 hours ago.

Throwing a t-shirt over his head, Erik turns back to her before squeezing past her in the door frame and walking back into the front of his apartment. Tick. tick. Tick. Tick.

“Yeah Asha, I’m being forreal. I’m not doing this no more.”

Hearing those words were like a trigger. The bomb finally going off. She asks one question. ONE QUESTION that deserves an answer and suddenly she’s a burden he can just be through with. Fuck that, She thinks, and fuck him.

Grabbing his arm and swinging him to face her, Asha’s finger is in his face as she finally bursts, “FUCK YOU, ERIK!,” Her voice is loud now and she’s not backing down, “What? Too scared that if you share one tiny piece of your life, that PERTAINS TO ME, you gonna become a simp ass nigga! God forbid, you tell me anything about you that isn’t childhood stories of what made you grow into this fucking non emotional sociopath! News flash nigga, your tragic backstory don’t mean shit if you can’t act like a normal. Fucking. Human being! ” 

Erik chuckles darkly, throwing the keys on the couch, before running his hands through his dreads.

“Oh word. So you gonna pretend you didn’t love ever fucking minute of it huh, Ash. Lil black girl gets outta the hood and tries to fix every nigga that chases after her.” He stalks closer to her as he speaks, his voice taunting and mean as he grabs her chin in his rough hands “Mainly cause you got no fuckin’ choice,huh? The white boys ain’t checkin’ for you. You a lil too damaged for them,baby girl. A lil too rough. Gotta mold a black dude into somethin’ that’ll make all of it worth it, huh.”

Putting her hands against his chest she pushes him away with all her strength, trying to control the tears welling in her eyes.

“You don’t know shit!,” voice low, intense, and full of spite she continues speaking not filtering herself at all, “And if I was gonna choose someone to fix it wouldn’t be someone unfixable, like you. Whatever fucked up shit your doing isn’t gonna make your dad love you from beyond the grave, Erik. I bet he thinks your just as fucked up as the rest–”

Erik’s grabs her slamming her against the wall, his grip tight on her arms as he breathes heavy. His head down, his face near hers, he doesn’t let her go.

“Shut up, Asha. Fuck. Just stop talking.” He grits out between bared teeth, making her think she went too far. His command almost a plea to not go too far. His hands on her body are a wake up call. She knew she couldn’t keep this up. She knew this was a bad idea. Being with him. She should have listened to her first instinct and kept it casual. Instead here she was with a guy begging her not to speak, she was sure it was out of fear of what he would do to her if she kept talking. 

They weren’t good for each other. He wasn’t the type to let someone all the way in and she wasn’t someone who could live with only knowing one side of a person. Those stories he told her were just to appease her, she reasons, just a way to get her off his back. They probably didn’t mean anything. Didn’t tell her anything about who he was now. And she had to ask herself, how could you be with someone you don’t know.

You can’t. 

A tear slipping down her cheek, she doesn’t attempt to break out of his grip. Instead, looking over his shoulder, determined not to let him see how devastated she is. Her voice is small when she finally speaks.

“Take me home. Just..just take me home. Please.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ….just remember….I love all of you. Don’t hate me too much. Also please comment cause i wanna feel your emotions lmao. Ps. as of now this is the end of this series( don’t hate me)

Asha could barely hear the pounding on her door over the sound of her music blaring. Pausing from intensely scrubbing the baseboards in her living room, she listens before going back to scrubbing a couple seconds later. She figures it’s just her annoying neighbor coming to complain about the music.

Dipping her sponge back into the bucket next to her, she wrings it out, really putting her elbow into scrubbing now. She doesn’t know how they got so dirty, her mom would be disgusted. Thinking about what she can tackle next in her apartment, she’s shocked out of her musings by the sound of her door slamming loudly.

“Damn,bitch, did you not hear me knocking?!”

Asha looks up from her spot on the floor to see Rashida standing in her apartment, hair wild around her like a freakin avenging angel.

Shaking her head a little at the fact that her friend has basically broken in her apartment, Asha laughs slightly before going back to cleaning. “Sorry! Couldn’t hear over the music.”

Ra walks over to her counter, turning off the small speaker blaring music, before turning to stare at her with her hands on her hips.

Sighing, Ash puts her sponge back in her bucket, wiping her forehead on the back of her glove covered hand before sitting fully up. Ra’s stance clearly shows this isn’t a quick visit.

They stare at each other for a while. Ra standing with her hands on her hips, Asha sitting on her heels. Asha stays silent, knowing Ra can never hold her opinion for long. 30 seconds later she’s proven right.

“So you in a full on spiral, huh?” Ra’s voice is casual, testing the waters of Asha’s patience.

“What you talkin’ bout?” Asha’s voice is tired, she’s already annoyed with the conversation.

“You know what I’m talking about!” Ra can never stay calm for long.

“Ra, I’m literally cleaning my house. How is this a spiral?”

Getting up from her place on the floor, Asha walks to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water before taking a seat at her kitchen table.

Ra quickly pulls out a chair next to her, “Oh no no no, don’t act like this is some normal cleaning. This is full on ‘sad bitch cleaning’, okay!” Asha smacks her teeth, ready to reply but Ra keeps going, “This isn’t even Waiting to Exhale- Not gon’ cry type shit. This is full on ‘I’m going down’-sad shit. Like damn.”

Asha’s mouth drops open in shock. What is Ra talking about? This is not a Mary J. Blige type of thing. She hasn’t cried once since her and Erik’s fight. She had gone to work like normal, hung out with her friends like normal, and now she was cleaning her house, like fucking normal. She tells Ra as much.

“EXACTLY!” Ra’s voice is smug, like she’s caught her in a lie, “Bitch, nobody is that normal after a fuckin argument. I’ve seen you more these last weeks than I saw you before you niggas was together. Full. On. Spiral.”

Asha contemplates what Ra says. Okay, so maybe she was trying to keep herself busy. Is that so bad? She didn’t want to sit and dwell on the fact that her and Erik hadn’t had time to talk before he had to leave again. Groaning, Asha puts her head down on the table, her voice muffled by the wood, “Damnit. I am spiraling.”

“It’s okay lil spiraling baby,”Ra’s voice is taunting as she stands up from the table, walking into the kitchen to search through her drawers. She returns to the kitchen table, holding up the blunt she finds in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other, “Tell Mama Ra all about it.”

Asha was solidly cross faded and firmly into her 2 hour rant about her dumbass mop head boyfriend, partner, or whatever. 

Waving her glass of wine recklessly, she continues her voice wavering from her alcohol and weed induced emotions, “And like the only thing I can think is ‘I’m not an idiot’. Like, you know me, I can’t just let this shit go and he just expected me to.”

Turning to face Ra on the couch, she catches the grimace her friend quickly tries to hide, “What was that face?” Asha’s voice is harsh and insistent.

Ra quickly smooths her face out, grabbing the wine glass out of Asha’s hand and taking a sip. “Mmmhm, nothing.”

“No, bitch, your face is saying different!”

Ra groans and sets the wine glass down on the coffee table, turning to sit cross legged on the couch, her hands clasped together, “Okay so imma just be real with yo ass, this is like half your fault.”

Asha sputters, not believing what she’s hearing, “Wha–”

Ra interrupts quickly, her hand coming up to cut you off, “Just listen! You went into this as like a booty call and that’s fine. Cause you had booty call rules. You didn’t need to know his life and he didn’t need to know your’s. BUT, somewhere along the way y’all became more than that and you STILL tried to keep those rules. That’s what fucked you up.”

Taking a gulp of wine, Ra’s continues her voice calm but insistent like she had been thinking on this for a while, “Your all ‘I don’t need to know anything, don’t lie to me’ and then suddenly you want to know everything—” 

“Someone broke into my apartment, Ra!” Asha’s voice is angry, she doesn’t want to hear what her friend is saying.

“And I get that and it is definitely fucked up and he for sho owes you an explanation BUT you can’t be surprised that he didn’t give it to you when you’ve basically been letting shit slide since y’all met. We all know you ain’t stupid, you tell us enough, so you just been deliberately sweeping shit under the rug. And real relationships just don’t work like that. ” She shrugs on that sentence, sitting back and waiting for Asha’s reply.

Asha takes her time. She thinks about what her friend says, understanding that in some ways she’s right. When she speaks she quiet, her voice in almost a whisper, “I mean, to be honest girl, I don’t even know if I WANNA know and I damn sure don’t think he wanna tell me” She pauses for a second, grabbing her curls and pulling them taught before letting them go again. “I just..fuck I don’t know.”

Ra shakes her head, the expression on her face resigned as she speaks some hard truths, “It’s harsh but you need to figure it out. I have a feelin; Erik is an all or nothin’ type of nigga living an all or nothin’ type of life. If being a ride or die bitch isn’t in your plans then you need to get out while you still can.”  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It was about two weeks later and late at night when Asha gets a text from Derek

Jst saw yo dude at the gas station. Guess his ass is back in town.

Jumping up from her reclining position on her couch, Asha makes a rash decision, throwing on a pair of yoga pants to go with her croptop before slipping her shoes on and heading to her car.

Halfway to his apartment, she considers turning around and going back home. This is crazy. He hadn’t reached out to her and she hadn’t reached out to him but at some point they had to talk or they would just be content enough to pass each other like ghosts.

She didn’t know what she was going to say but she knew she needed to see him, first to apologize for her part in their argument, and second to figure out what the fuck was going on with them.

Parking and walking up to his door, she considers turning back once again. Maybe she should have thought about this harder, should have planned out what she was going to say. Shit. What the fuck was she gonna say.

Squaring her shoulders, she knocks loudly on her door, reminding herself that mama didn’t raise no bitch. She only gets halfway through her second round of knocks when the door swings open.

Erik opens the door wide, one hand on the frame the other rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Asha looks him up and down, drinking him in. Her eagerness to stare at him is a reminder of the face that she hasn’t see him in awhile. His dreads are wild around his head, the look of them making him look softer more childlike.

That image is washed away by the fact that he’s not wearing a shirt combined with a pair of low riding sweatpants. He is definitely all grown ass man and his body reminds her. God, she was horny. After getting dicked down consistently for half a year going these weeks without him had only made her want him more. Trying not to let herself get distracted by the sheer presence of this man, she looks up into his eyes, attempting to mask the fire in hers while trying to get some hint of what he’s feeling. He’s better at hiding his emotions than her.

When she finds the will to speak her voice is soft though it soons dissolves into a sort of panicked rambling, “Hey. Ummm sorry I didn’t text, but I heard you were in town and I figured we should talk about what happened, I know its late but I think its important especially after how we left–”

She never gets to finish her statement, Erik grabbing her quickly, his hand wrapped around her hair as he pulls her closer to kiss her roughly. Asha is quick to join in, knowing its stupid since they haven’t talked but there’s no way she can resist the pull of his body.

Rubbing herself against the bulge in his sweatpants, he groans before pulling her fully into his apartment the door slamming hard behind her as he pushes her up against it. It was like a switch flipped in Asha, she caved completely to him, loving nothing more than folding herself into him, felling all his muscles flexing around her as they fucked.

Running her fingers over the ripples on his shoulders and abs, she moaned as he kissed his way down her throat, making short work of her t-shirt and diving into her exposed breasts with kisses, licks, and nibbles.

Shit, she’d missed him more than she thought. His hand reached down, palming her ass as he simultaneously pulled her against his hard on. Erik grabbed her hips, lifting her so her legs were wrapped around his waist.

His mouth back on hers, he walked her to his bedroom, laying her down to yank her leggings down with one hard tug.

Fuck, there was no turning back now.

She was gonna fuck her boyfriend, possibly ex, in the midst of a huge fight with their future unsure. Her last coherent thought was how this was clearly not the best choice but when her spine curled inward on his first full stroke, she couldn’t remember why she ever thought this was a bad idea.

Erik was buried deep inside her, slowly stroking away at her favorite spot, almost as if he was trying to remind her why they were so good together. The shaking in her legs, her nails digging in his arms, they were all signs of how he was the only one to make her feel like this. He was going at her with long, hard, deep strokes. Her legs were locked around his waist as she clawed at his back, leaving scratches embedded in his deliberate scars.

His strokes were slow and deliberate, despite her moans and body urging him to speed up.

“Please-please baby, faster!” her voice was a moan, as he continued to slowly stroke inside her.

Erik’s voice was low as he shushed her, “fuck baby, let me take care of you.” His voice was slow and intoxicating, the sound of it only enhancing her experience making everything seem heightened.

After being away from each other for so long everything he was doing seemed designed to drive Asha insane. “Erik,please! Please,baby, please!” she had dissolved into begging. She knew what he was doing trying to go slow, trying to show her that he could be gentle. But she didn’t need that Erik, she needed her Erik, the one who would stroke into her with all his strength. She wanted to feel him without him holding back.

Understanding what she wants he gives up on going slow instead pounding into her with a force that rocks the entire bed. He slides his hand down the back of her thigh, pushing it up so that she unlocks her ankles and lest her knee fall next to her shoulder.

“Fuck–baby-shit!” her words dissolve into moans as he switches up the angle, her hands flying up to grip the headboard.

“Gotdamn,” his voice is basically a groan as he speaks, gripping her harder as he plunges as deep as he can go.

The shaking starts in her thighs, soon leading to her entire body quaking against him. Throwing her head back she screams a string of unintelligible curses. The pulsing in her body spurs his, he groans, driving into her one last time before finally letting go and collapsing on top of her, pulling out of her and rolling over to catch his breath. 

They lay together on his bed both of them panting roughly, their eyes focused on the ceiling above them. She lets them sit in silence for a second, soaking in the intimacy, loving the moments in which only their breath filled the air. In these moments of stillness, the world somewhere in between dusk and dawn, in these times when nothing felt real were the times she usually felt closest to him and yet this moment felt heavy. As if a realization had settled upon both of them.

Asha breaks the silence, her voice quiet and clear, “This isn’t gonna work, is it?”

Erik shifts a little, his arm going to rest underneath his head, his voice gruff yet gentle“Nah. I don’t think it is.”

Oddly the atmosphere has lost its heaviness with this proclamation, instead a sense of resignation settling over them, coating the skin that was sweat soaked minutes ago.

Though he doesn’t seem to need one, Asha feels the need to explain, “I don’t think I wanna know the things in your life. I-I’m just not ready to know. Somedays I see you with such anger, such hatred in your eyes, and it looks like its burning you up. And–and I think I should ask you about it, I should help you but I can’t. I can’t,” Asha turns to look at him when she says this, turning to her side as he does too, “I don’t think I can hold you up–at least not right now…And to be honest, I don’t think you want me to.”

Erik stares at her through her explanation, his eyes only showing a hint of sadness. His hands reaches up to stroke her cheek as he responds, “I don’t. I gotta fix myself. Gotta handle my shit my own way, I’m not ready to share this shit with no one else. Its gotta be all me.”

Reaching up, Asha covers his hand with hers, a small sad smile appearing on her face as he confirms what she already knows, “I really like you, you know?”

She can’t bring herself to say what she’s really thinking. That given enough time she could love him. That given enough time she would be with him. That she’s scared of feeling this with him.

He chuckles lightly, his golds flashing as he does. The sight reminding her of the first time they met and how they drew her in. “Yeah, you too, baby girl.”

His response causes her to laugh, knowing that’s as close to an admission of feelings she can get from him. Asha also knows that if he had said more it would only make this harder for them. It’s better this way, at least that’s what she tells herself when tears start welling in her eyes.

She wipes them quickly, not giving them the chance to fall, “Maybe–maybe this is it for us. Maybe this is all we can have. For now. ”

Erik pulls her closer, rolling on his back so that she’s laying across his chest, his eyes going back to the ceiling. They flicker across the space, almost as if he’s watching a scene play out in his head, thinking about all the things he has planned, his mouth turning up in a small smirk. Falling asleep, Asha barely hears his reply, though it sticks in her mind upon waking, “Yeah. For now.


End file.
